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(2) Remember the long way that the Eternal your God has made you travel in the wilderness these past forty years, that He might test you by hardships to learn what was in your hearts: whether you would keep His commandments or not. (3) He subjected you to the hardship of hunger and then gave you manna to eat, which neither you nor your fathers had ever known, in order to teach you that man does not live on bread alone, but that man may live on anything that the Eternal decrees.
remember the path. I have already explained the idea behind sending hardships to you in order to test you, to know… [comment on Genesis 22: 1].
Some say we need to read with different spelling: נשא instead of נסה ‘uplifted’ instead of ‘test’. And I say, the content of the parasha proves that נסה is a ‘test’. And experts explain that נסה (test) means - to know what exists in the present. And the Gaon (a Babylonian Jewish rabbi) explained that the purpose of the test was to show God's righteousness to the people. But the Gaon surely knew that when Avraham bound his son, no one else was there. And others say “go to the land of Moriah, and offer him there as a burnt offering on one of the heights” meant to be “make a sacrifice upon the mountain.” And not him for sacrifice. And Abraham did not know the secret of the prophecy, and he hurried to slaughter him, and God said to him, “I did not ask for this.” All these wise leaders needed their interpretations because they couldn't believe that God would command a mitzvah and then change it. But all those leaders did not notice that there is a precedent for a change like that. In the case of commanding a role for the first-born male child (Numbers 3). God replaces them with the Levites one year later. (And my understanding is) that the text of the Torah uses “נסה" test, and that is why we don't need to think that anything changed. God tested Avraham for the purpose of giving him a reward (and not for the purpose of commanding sacrifices or showing his righteousness).
(ו) כשמת בנו של רבן יוחנן בן זכאי נכנסו תלמידיו לנחמו. נכנס רבי אליעזר וישב לפניו וא״ל רבי רצונך אומר דבר אחד לפניך א״ל אמור. א״ל אדה״ר היה לו בן ומת וקבל עליו תנחומין. ומניין שקבל עליו תנחומין שנא׳ (בראשית ד׳:כ״ה) וידע אדם עוד את אשתו אף אתה קבל תנחומין א״ל לא די לי שאני מצטער בעצמי אלא שהזכרת לי צערו של אדה״ר. נכנס ר׳ יהושע וא״ל רצונך אומר דבר אחד לפניך א״ל אמור. א״ל איוב היו לו בנים ובנות ומתו כולם ביום אחד וקבל עליהם תנחומין אף אתה קבל תנחומין. ומניין שקבל איוב תנחומין שנא׳ (איוב א׳:כ״א-כ״ב) ה׳ נתן וה׳ לקח יהי שם ה׳ מבורך. א״ל לא די לי שאני מצטער בעצמי אלא שהזכרת לי צערו של איוב. נכנס ר׳ יוסי וישב לפניו א״ל רבי רצונך אומר דבר אחד לפניך א״ל אמור. א״ל אהרן היו לו שני בנים גדולים ומתו שניהם ביום אחד וקבל עליהם תנחומין שנאמר (ויקרא י׳:ג׳) וידם אהרן אין שתיקה אלא תנחומין ואף אתה קבל תנחומין. א״ל לא די לי שאני מצטער בעצמי אלא שהזכרתני צערו של אהרן. נכנס ר״ש וא״ל רבי רצונך אומר דבר אחד לפניך א״ל אמור. א״ל דוד המלך היה לו בן ומת וקבל עליו תנחומין ואף אתה קבל תנחומין ומניין שקבל דוד תנחומין שנא׳ (שמואל ב י״ב:כ״ד) וינחם דוד את בת שבע אשתו ויבא אליה וישכב עמה ותלד בן ויקרא את שמו שלמה אף אתה רבי קבל תנחומין. א״ל לא די שאני מצטער בעצמי אלא שהזכרתני צערו של דוד המלך. נכנס ר״א בן עזריה כיון שראהו אמר לשמשו טול לפני כלי ולך אחרי לבית המרחץ לפי שאדם גדול הוא ואיני יכול לעמוד בו נכנס וישב לפניו ואמר לו אמשול לך משל למה״ד לאדם שהפקיד אצלו המלך פקדון בכל יום ויום היה בוכה וצועק ואומר אוי לי אימתי אצא מן הפקדון הזה בשלום אף אתה רבי היה לך בן קרא תורה מקרא נביאים וכתובים משנה הלכות ואגדות ונפטר מן העולם בלא חטא [ויש לך לקבל עליך תנחומים כשחזרת פקדונך שלם] א״ל ר׳ אלעזר בני נחמתני כדרך שבני אדם מנחמין. כשיצאו מלפניו הוא אמר אלך לדמסית למקום יפה ומים יפים ונאים והם אמרו נלך ליבנה למקום שתלמידי חכמים מרובים אוהבים את התורה הוא שהלך לדמסית למקום יפה ומים יפים ונאים נתמעט שמו בתורה הם שהלכו ליבנה למקום שת״ח מרובים ואוהבים את התורה נתגדל שמם בתורה:
(6) When Rabban Yohanan ben Zakkai’s son died, his students came in to comfort him. Rabbi Eliezer came in and sat before him and said: My master, if you please, may I say something? He said: Speak. So he said: Adam the first person had a son who died and he accepted comfort. And how do we know that he accepted comfort? For it says (Genesis 4:25), “And Adam knew his wife again.” So you, too, should accept comfort.
He replied: Is it not enough that I have my own pain but that you need to remind me of Adam’s pain as well?
Rabbi Yehoshua came in and said to him: If you please, may I say something before you? He said: Speak. So he said: Job had sons and daughters, and they all died on the same day, and he accepted comfort. So you, too, should accept comfort. And how do we know that Job accepted comfort? For it says (Job 1:21), “The Eternal has given, and the Eternal has taken away. Blessed is the name of the Eternal.”
He replied: Is it not enough that I have my own pain but that you have to remind me of Job’s pain as well?
Rabbi Yosei came in and sat before him and said: My master, if you please, may I say something? He said: Speak. So he said: Aaron had two older sons and they both died on the same day, and he accepted comfort, as it says (Leviticus 10:3), “And Aaron was silent,” and silence always indicates comfort. He replied: Is it not enough that I have my own pain but that you have to remind me of Aaron’s pain as well?
Rabbi Shimon came in and said: My master, if you please, may I say something? He said: Speak. So he said: King David had a son who died, and he accepted comfort. So you, too, should accept comfort. And how do we know that David accepted comfort? For it says (II Samuel 12:24), “David comforted his wife Bath Sheba, and he came to her and lay with her, and she gave birth to another son, and called him Solomon.” So you, too, should accept comfort.
He replied: Is it not enough that I have my own pain but that you have to remind me of King David’s pain as well?
Rabbi Elazar ben Azariah came in. When [Rabbi Yohanan] saw him, he said to his steward: Take this vessel, and follow me to the bathhouse, because this is a great man, and I will not be able to withstand him. So [Rabbi Elazar] came in and sat before [Rabbi Yohanan] and said: Let me give you a parable. To what can this be compared? [It can be compared] to a person to whom the king gave a deposit to hold. Every day he would cry and scream and say, Oy, when will I be free of this deposit? So it is with you, Rabbi. You had a son who read from the Torah, the Prophets and the Writings; the Mishnah; Halakhah; and Aggadah; and then was taken from the world free of sin. [Must you, then, accept consolation when you have returned a deposit whole?]
He said: Rabbi Elazar, my son, you have comforted me as people are supposed to.
When they all left, Elazar said: I am going to Damasit, a beautiful place with good, sweet water. They said: We will go to Yavneh, a place where there is an abundance of scholars who love the Torah. So he went to Damasit, the beautiful place with good, sweet water, and his reputation in Torah study diminished. And they went to Yavneh, the place where there was an abundance of scholars who all loved the Torah, and their reputations in Torah study grew.
1. Do you find his words comforting?
2. What does it mean that he then goes to a place of "good, sweet water" and aside from Torah study?
3. What is a more legitimate path in bringing comfort and healing to the world?
It’s important to remember that it’s not your job to “fix” things; nothing you say will “fix” things for mourners. The best words to say are those that recognize the person’s loss and recognize the person’s feelings. For example:
- “I’m so sorry.” “I am sorry for your loss.” “I was so sorry to hear that X died.”
- “I don’t know what to say, but I want you to know I care about you” or “. . . that I am here for you.”
- “I can’t imagine how you are feeling (or – “I don’t know how you are feeling,”) but I am here for you.”
- “I love you.”
- “I will always remember the time when . . .” (share a memory or story)
- Silence and a hug (or clasping their hands in yours) ...
- “At least he didn’t suffer . . .” (How do you know?)
- “She lived a long life.” (Not nearly long enough. Or maybe too long.)
- “You’re so strong.” (Mourners may be in shock, they may be ‘sleepwalking’ through their grief. This is akin to “Don’t cry.” It denies the need to cry, scream, moan, and confront grief.)
- “I know just how you feel.” (No. You don’t.)
- “You’ll meet someone else.” “You can have another child.” (Really?)
- “Time heals all wounds.” or “Time brings healing.” (The best thing I ever learned about grief was from Carla Sofka, Professor of Social Work at Siena College: “We grieve, five or ten minutes a time, for the rest of our lives.”)
Nachamu, nachamu, ami yomar eloheichem.Nachamu, nachamu, ami yomar eloheichem.
Comfort us, Comfort us in our wilderness.
Comfort us as we struggle to care for one another.
Comfort us, Comfort us in our wilderness.
Comfort us as we struggle with this world.