Sexuality Within Judaism
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וַיְבָ֣רֶךְ אֹתָם֮ אֱלֹהִים֒ וַיֹּ֨אמֶר לָהֶ֜ם אֱלֹהִ֗ים פְּר֥וּ וּרְב֛וּ וּמִלְא֥וּ אֶת־הָאָ֖רֶץ וְכִבְשֻׁ֑הָ וּרְד֞וּ בִּדְגַ֤ת הַיָּם֙ וּבְע֣וֹף הַשָּׁמַ֔יִם וּבְכׇל־חַיָּ֖ה הָֽרֹמֶ֥שֶׂת עַל־הָאָֽרֶץ׃
God blessed them and God said to them, “Be fertile and increase, fill the earth and master it; and rule the fish of the sea, the birds of the sky, and all the living things that creep on earth.”
הָאִישׁ מְצֻוֶּה עַל פְּרִיָּה וּרְבִיָּה אֲבָל לֹא הָאִשָּׁה. וְאֵימָתַי הָאִישׁ נִתְחַיֵּב בְּמִצְוָה זוֹ מִבֶּן שְׁבַע עֶשְׂרֵה. וְכֵיוָן שֶׁעָבְרוּ עֶשְׂרִים שָׁנָה וְלֹא נָשָׂא אִשָּׁה הֲרֵי זֶה עוֹבֵר וּמְבַטֵּל מִצְוַת עֲשֵׂה. וְאִם הָיָה עוֹסֵק בַּתּוֹרָה וְטָרוּד בָּהּ וְהָיָה מִתְיָרֵא מִלִּשָּׂא אִשָּׁה כְּדֵי שֶׁלֹּא יִטְרַח בִּמְזוֹנוֹת בַּעֲבוּר אִשְׁתּוֹ וְיִבָּטֵל מִן הַתּוֹרָה הֲרֵי זֶה מֻתָּר לְהִתְאַחֵר. שֶׁהָעוֹסֵק בְּמִצְוָה פָּטוּר מִן הַמִּצְוָה וְכָל שֶׁכֵּן בְּתַלְמוּד תּוֹרָה:
Men are obligated in procreation (periyya u-reviyya), but not women. When is a man obligated in this mitzva? From the age of seventeen. Once he reaches [the age of] twenty years and has not married, he has transgressed and neglected a positive commandment. However, if he is involved in Torah and engrossed in it, and he fears that if he marries, he will have to busy himself with supporting a wife and thereby come to neglect Torah study, then it is permissible for him to delay [marriage]; for one who is involved in a mitzva is exempt from another mitzva – all the more so regarding Torah study.
(א) וְהָ֣אָדָ֔ם יָדַ֖ע אֶת־חַוָּ֣ה אִשְׁתּ֑וֹ וַתַּ֙הַר֙ וַתֵּ֣לֶד אֶת־קַ֔יִן וַתֹּ֕אמֶר קָנִ֥יתִי אִ֖ישׁ אֶת־יְהֹוָֽה׃
(1) Now the man knew his wife Eve, and she conceived and bore Cain, saying, “I have gained a male child with the help of the LORD.”
והאדם ידע. כְּבָר קֹדֶם הָעִנְיָן שֶׁל מַעְלָה, קֹדֶם שֶׁחָטָא וְנִטְרַד מִגַּן עֵדֶן, וְכֵן הַהֵרָיוֹן וְהַלֵּדָה, שֶׁאִם כָּתַב וַיֵּדַע אָדָם, נִשְׁמָע שֶׁלְּאַחַר שֶׁנִּטְרַד הָיוּ לוֹ בָנִים:
(1) והאדם ידע AND THE MAN KNEW already before the events related above took place — before he sinned and was driven out of the Garden of Eden. So, also, the conception and birth of Cain took place before this. Had it been written, וידע אדם it would imply that after he was driven out children were born to him (Genesis Rabbah 22:2).
אִם־אַחֶ֖רֶת יִֽקַּֽח־ל֑וֹ שְׁאֵרָ֛הּ כְּסוּתָ֥הּ וְעֹנָתָ֖הּ לֹ֥א יִגְרָֽע׃
If he marries another, he must not withhold from this one her food, her clothing, or her conjugal rights.
What is a man obligated / allowed to do with his wife sexually?
(ה) כִּֽי־יִקַּ֥ח אִישׁ֙ אִשָּׁ֣ה חֲדָשָׁ֔ה לֹ֤א יֵצֵא֙ בַּצָּבָ֔א וְלֹא־יַעֲבֹ֥ר עָלָ֖יו לְכָל־דָּבָ֑ר נָקִ֞י יִהְיֶ֤ה לְבֵיתוֹ֙ שָׁנָ֣ה אֶחָ֔ת וְשִׂמַּ֖ח אֶת־אִשְׁתּ֥וֹ אֲשֶׁר־לָקָֽח׃ (ס)
(5) When a man has taken a bride, he shall not go out with the army or be assigned to it for any purpose; he shall be exempt one year for the sake of his household, to give happiness to the woman he has married.
אָמַר רַבִּי יְהוֹשֻׁעַ בֶּן לֵוִי כׇּל הַיּוֹדֵעַ בְּאִשְׁתּוֹ שֶׁהִיא יִרְאַת שָׁמַיִם וְאֵינוֹ פּוֹקְדָהּ נִקְרָא חוֹטֵא שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר וְיָדַעְתָּ כִּי שָׁלוֹם אׇהֳלֶךָ וְגוֹ׳ וְאָמַר רַבִּי יְהוֹשֻׁעַ בֶּן לֵוִי חַיָּיב אָדָם לִפְקוֹד אֶת אִשְׁתּוֹ בְּשָׁעָה שֶׁהוּא יוֹצֵא לַדֶּרֶךְ שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר וְיָדַעְתָּ כִּי שָׁלוֹם אׇהֳלֶךָ וְגוֹ׳
On the same verse, Rabbi Yehoshua ben Levi said: Whoever knows that his wife fears Heaven and she desires him, and he does not visit her, i.e., have intercourse with her, is called a sinner, as it is stated: And you shall know that your tent is in peace; and you shall visit your habitation. And Rabbi Yehoshua ben Levi said: A man is obligated to visit his wife for the purpose of having intercourse when he is about to depart on a journey, as it is stated: “And you shall know that your tent is in peace, etc.”
הַמַּדִּיר אֶת אִשְׁתּוֹ מִתַּשְׁמִישׁ הַמִּטָּה, בֵּית שַׁמַּאי אוֹמְרִים, שְׁתֵּי שַׁבָּתוֹת. בֵּית הִלֵּל אוֹמְרִים, שַׁבָּת אֶחָת. הַתַּלְמִידִים יוֹצְאִין לְתַלְמוּד תּוֹרָה שֶׁלֹּא בִרְשׁוּת, שְׁלֹשִׁים יוֹם. הַפּוֹעֲלִים, שַׁבָּת אֶחָת. הָעוֹנָה הָאֲמוּרָה בַתּוֹרָה, הַטַּיָּלִין, בְּכָל יוֹם. הַפּוֹעֲלִים, שְׁתַּיִם בַּשַּׁבָּת. הַחַמָּרִים, אַחַת בַּשַּׁבָּת. הַגַּמָּלִים, אַחַת לִשְׁלֹשִׁים יוֹם. הַסַּפָּנִים, אַחַת לְשִׁשָּׁה חֳדָשִׁים, דִּבְרֵי רַבִּי אֱלִיעֶזֶר:
With regard to one who vows that his wife may not derive benefit from marital relations with him, Beit Shammai say: He may maintain this situation for up to two weeks, but beyond that he must divorce her and give her the payment for her marriage contract. Beit Hillel say: He must divorce her if it continues beyond one week. Apropos the husband’s obligation to his wife regarding marital relations, the Gemara mentions other aspects of this issue: Students may leave their homes and travel in order to learn Torah without their wives’ permission for up to thirty days, and laborers may leave their homes without their wives’ permission for up to one week. The set interval defining the frequency of a husband’s conjugal obligation to his wife stated in the Torah (see Exodus 21:10), unless the couple stipulated otherwise, varies according to the man’s occupation and proximity to his home: Men of leisure, who do not work, must engage in marital relations every day, laborers must do so twice a week, donkey drivers once a week, camel drivers once every thirty days, and sailors once every six months. This is the statement of Rabbi Eliezer.
וְאָמַר רָמֵי בַּר חָמָא אָמַר רַב אַסִּי: אָסוּר לְאָדָם שֶׁיָּכוֹף אִשְׁתּוֹ לִדְבַר מִצְוָה, שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר: ״וְאָץ בְּרַגְלַיִם חוֹטֵא״. וְאָמַר רַבִּי יְהוֹשֻׁעַ בֶּן לֵוִי: כׇּל הַכּוֹפֶה אִשְׁתּוֹ לִדְבַר מִצְוָה הָוְיָין לוֹ בָּנִים שֶׁאֵינָן מְהוּגָּנִין. אָמַר רַב אִיקָא בַּר חִינָּנָא, מַאי קְרָאָה: ״גַּם בְּלֹא דַעַת נֶפֶשׁ לֹא טוֹב״. תַּנְיָא נָמֵי הָכִי: ״גַּם בְּלֹא דַעַת נֶפֶשׁ לֹא טוֹב״ — זֶה הַכּוֹפֶה אִשְׁתּוֹ לִדְבַר מִצְוָה. ״וְאָץ בְּרַגְלַיִם חוֹטֵא״ — זֶה הַבּוֹעֵל וְשׁוֹנֶה.
The Gemara cites another halakha derived from the verse mentioned in the previous discussion. Rami bar Ḥama said that Rav Asi said: It is prohibited for a man to force his wife in the conjugal mitzva, i.e., sexual relations, as it is stated: “And he who hastens with his feet sins” (Proverbs 19:2). The term his feet is understood here as a euphemism for intercourse. And Rabbi Yehoshua ben Levi said: Anyone who forces his wife to perform the conjugal mitzva will have unworthy children as a consequence. Rav Ika bar Ḥinnana said: What is the verse that alludes to this? “Also, that the soul without knowledge is not good” (Proverbs 19:2). If intercourse takes place without the woman’s knowledge, i.e., consent, the soul of the offspring will not be good. That was also taught in a baraita: “Also, without knowledge the soul is not good”; this is one who forces his wife to perform the conjugal mitzva. “And he who hastens with his feet sins”; this is one who has intercourse with his wife and repeats the act in a manner that causes her pain or distress.
(ט) אִשְׁתּוֹ שֶׁל אָדָם מֻתֶּרֶת הִיא לוֹ. לְפִיכָךְ כָּל מַה שֶּׁאָדָם רוֹצֶה לַעֲשׂוֹת בְּאִשְׁתּוֹ עוֹשֶׂה. בּוֹעֵל בְּכָל עֵת שֶׁיִּרְצֶה וּמְנַשֵּׁק בְּכָל אֵיבָר וְאֵיבָר שֶׁיִּרְצֶה. [וּבָא עָלֶיהָ כְּדַרְכָּהּ וְשֶׁלֹּא כְּדַרְכָּהּ ] וּבִלְבַד שֶׁלֹּא יוֹצִיא שִׁכְבַת זֶרַע לְבַטָּלָה.
The wife of a man is permitted to him. Therefore, anything that the man desires to do with his wife, he may do. He may conduct the intercourse in any way he likes, and kiss any body part he likes. He may have intercourse vaginally or in any other way he may like, or even alone, provided he does not spill and waste his seed.
תַּשְׁמִישׁ הַמִּטָּה מֵעֹנֶג שַׁבָּת הוּא. לְפִיכָךְ עוֹנַת תַּלְמִידֵי חֲכָמִים הַבְּרִיאִים מְשַׁמְּשִׁין מִלֵּילֵי שַׁבָּת לְלֵילֵי שַׁבָּת. וּמֻתָּר לִבְעל בְּתוּלָה לְכַתְּחִלָּה בְּשַׁבָּת וְאֵין בָּזֶה לֹא מִשּׁוּם חוֹבֵל וְלֹא מִשּׁוּם צַעַר לָהּ:
Marital relations is from the delights of Shabbat. Therefore Torah scholars [fulfill] their [set] time from one Shabbat night to [another] Shabbat night. It is permissible to have intercourse with a virgin [even] at the outset, and there is no [transgression] of (the Shabbat laws) on account of injuring or on account of the pain [caused] to her.
רַב כָּהֲנָא עָל, גְּנָא תּוּתֵיהּ פּוּרְיֵיהּ דְּרַב. שַׁמְעֵיהּ דְּשָׂח וְשָׂחַק וְעָשָׂה צְרָכָיו. אֲמַר לֵיהּ: דָּמֵי פּוּמֵּיהּ דְּאַבָּא כִּדְלָא שָׂרֵיף תַּבְשִׁילָא. אֲמַר לֵיהּ: כָּהֲנָא, הָכָא אַתְּ? פּוּק, דְּלָאו אֹרַח אַרְעָא. אֲמַר לֵיהּ: תּוֹרָה הִיא, וְלִלְמוֹד אֲנִי צָרִיךְ.
Rav Kahana entered and lay beneath Rav’s bed. He heard Rav chatting and laughing with his wife, and seeing to his needs, i.e., having relations with her. Rav Kahana said to Rav: The mouth of Abba, Rav, is like one whom has never eaten a cooked dish, i.e., his behavior was lustful. Rav said to him: Kahana, you are here? Leave, as this is an undesirable mode of behavior. Rav Kahana said to him: It is Torah, and I must learn.
ולא יקל ראשו עם אשתו ולא ינבל פיו בדברי הבאי אפי' בינו לבינה הרי הכתוב אומר מגיד לאדם מה שיחו אמרו חז"ל אפי' שיחה קלה שבין אדם לאשתו עתיד ליתן עליה את הדין ואל יספר עמה בשעת תשמיש ולא קודם לכן כדי שלא יתן דעתו באשה אחרת ואם ספר עמה ושמש מיד עליו נאמר מגיד לאדם מה שיחו אבל בענייני תשמיש יכול לספר עמה כדי להרבות תאותו או אם היה לו כעס עמה וצריך לרצותה שתתפייס יכול לספר עמה כדי לרצותה: הגה ויכול לעשות עם אשתו מה שירצה בועל בכל עת שירצה ומנשק בכל אבר שירצה ובא עליה בין כדרכה בין שלא כדרכה או דרך איברים ובלבד שלא יוציא זרע לבטלה (טור) ויש מקילין ואומרים שמותר שלא כדרכה אפי' אם הוציא זרע אם עושה באקראי ואינו רגיל בכך (גם זה טור בשם ר"י) ואע"פ שמותר בכל אלה כל המקדש עצמו במותר לו קדוש יאמרו לו (דברי הרב) ולא ירבה בתשמיש להיות מצוי אצלה תמיד שדבר זה פגום הוא מאד ומעשה בורות הוא אלא כל הממעט בתשמיש ה"ז משובח ובלבד שלא יבטל עונה אלא מדעת אשתו ואף כשישמש בשעת העונה לא יכוין להנאתו אלא כאדם הפורע חובו שהוא חייב בעונתה ולקיים מצות בוראו בפריה ורביה ושיהיו לו בנים עוסקים בתורה ומקיימי מצות בישראל ולא יבעול אלא מרצונה ואם אינה מרוצה יפייסנה עד שתתרצה ויהיה צנוע מאד בשעת תשמיש ולא ישמש בפני שום מין אדם אפילו קטן אא"כ הוא תינוק שאינו יודע לדבר:
A man should not act with levity with his wife, nor should he degrade his speech with nonsense, even between him and her. The verse says, "He tells man what his speech is" (Amos 4:13) and the Sages comment, "Even light conversation between a man and his wife will be brought to judgement in the future." He should not speak with her during intercourse, nor before it, lest he direct his thoughts to another woman. If he does speak with her and proceed immediately to intercourse, about him the verse says, "He tells man what his speech is". He may speak about matters pertinent to the intercourse, to increase his desire, or if there was strife between them and he needed to appeal to her and appease her, he may speak with her to appeal to her. Rem"a: He may do with his wife whatever he wishes. He may have intercourse whenever he wishes, he may kiss any part of her body that he desires, he may have vaginal [typical] or anal [atypical] intercourse, or stimulate himself with other parts of her body, so long as he does not ejaculate outside the vagina (Tur). Some authorities are lenient and say that he may even ejaculate during anal intercourse, if it is occasional and not his habit (Tur). Even though all of this is permissible, anyone who wishes to sanctify himself [by abstaining] from the permitted is called holy. He should not have frequent intercourse so that he is always with her, for this is extremely detrimental and it is the way of boors; it is meritorious to minimize intercourse, only keeping to the minimum required by marital obligations. Even when fulfilling marital obligations he should not focus on his pleasure, it should instead be as on paying back an obligation, for he is obligated in marital duties, and to fulfill the mitzvah of being fruitful and multiplying, and to have children who study Torah and perform mitzvot for the people of Israel. He may not have intercourse without her consent, and if she is not interested he should appease her until she is interested. He should be very private during intercourse, having no people of any kind around, even a child, unless it is a baby who cannot speak.
Premarital Sex
וְהַדְּבָרִים הָאֵלּוּ אֲסוּרִין בְּחַיָּבֵי לָאוִין. וּמֻתָּר לְהִסְתַּכֵּל בִּפְנֵי הַפְּנוּיָה וּלְבָדְקָהּ בֵּין בְּתוּלָה בֵּין בְּעוּלָה כְּדֵי שֶׁיִּרְאֶה אִם הִיא נָאָה בְּעֵינָיו יִשָּׂאֶנָּה וְאֵין בָּזֶה צַד אִסּוּר וְלֹא עוֹד אֶלָּא שֶׁרָאוּי לַעֲשׂוֹת כֵּן. אֲבָל לֹא יִסְתַּכֵּל דֶּרֶךְ זְנוּת. הֲרֵי הוּא אוֹמֵר (איוב לא א) "בְּרִית כָּרַתִּי לְעֵינַי וּמָה אֶתְבּוֹנֵן עַל בְּתוּלָה":
These matters are [also] forbidden with regard to women with whom relations are forbidden on the basis of [merely] a negative commandment. It is permitted to look at the face of an unmarried woman and examine her [features] whether she is a virgin or has engaged in relations previously to see whether she is attractive in his eyes so that he may marry her. There is no prohibition in doing this. On the contrary, it is proper to do this. One should not, however, look in a licentious manner. Behold [Job 31:1] states: "I established a covenant with my eyes; I would not gaze at a maiden."
וְכֵן הַבָּא עַל הַפְּנוּיָה אֲפִלּוּ הָיְתָה קְדֵשָׁה שֶׁהִפְקִירָה עַצְמָהּ לַכּל אַף עַל פִּי שֶׁהִיא בְּמַלְקוֹת לֹא נַעֲשֵׂית זוֹנָה וְלֹא נִפְסְלָה מִן הַכְּהֻנָּה שֶׁהֲרֵי אֵינָהּ אֲסוּרָה לְהִנָּשֵׂא לוֹ. אֲבָל הַנִּבְעֶלֶת לְאֶחָד מֵאִסּוּרֵי לָאוִין הַשָּׁוִין בַּכּל וְאֵין מְיֻחָדִין בְּכֹהֲנִים. אוֹ מֵאִסּוּרֵי עֲשֵׂה. וְאֵין צָרִיךְ לוֹמַר לְמִי שֶׁהִיא אֲסוּרָה לוֹ מִשּׁוּם עֶרְוָה אוֹ לְעַכּוּ''ם וְעֶבֶד. הוֹאִיל וְהִיא אֲסוּרָה לְהִנָּשֵׂא לוֹ הֲרֵי זוֹ זוֹנָה:
Whenever a person has relations with an unmarried woman, even if she is a harlot who wantonly makes herself available to everyone, although she is liable for lashes, she is not deemed as a zonah, nor is she disqualified from [marrying] into the priesthood. For she is not forbidden to marry [the people with whom she engaged in relations].
שלא תהיה קדשה, והיא הנבעלת בלא כתובה וקידושין, שנאמר "לא תהיה קדשה" (דברים כג,יח).
That there shall be no harlot (in Israel); that is, that there shall be no intercourse with a woman, without previous marriage with a deed of marriage and formal declaration of marriage, as it is said, “There shall be no harlot of the daughters of Israel” (Deut. 23:18; authorized English version 23:17).
Niddah
(יט) וְאִשָּׁה֙ כִּֽי־תִהְיֶ֣ה זָבָ֔ה דָּ֛ם יִהְיֶ֥ה זֹבָ֖הּ בִּבְשָׂרָ֑הּ שִׁבְעַ֤ת יָמִים֙ תִּהְיֶ֣ה בְנִדָּתָ֔הּ וְכָל־הַנֹּגֵ֥עַ בָּ֖הּ יִטְמָ֥א עַד־הָעָֽרֶב׃
(19) When a woman has a discharge, her discharge being blood from her body, she shall remain in her impurity seven days; whoever touches her shall be unclean until evening.
תניא היה ר"מ אומר מפני מה אמרה תורה נדה לשבעה מפני שרגיל בה וקץ בה אמרה תורה תהא טמאה שבעה ימים כדי שתהא חביבה על בעלה כשעת כניסתה לחופה
It is taught in a baraita that Rabbi Meir would say: For what reason does the Torah say that a menstruating woman is prohibited from engaging in intercourse with her husband for seven days? It is because if a woman were permitted to engage in intercourse with her husband all the time, her husband would be too accustomed to her, and would eventually be repulsed by her. Therefore, the Torah says that a menstruating woman shall be ritually impure for seven days, during which she is prohibited from engaging in intercourse with her husband, so that when she becomes pure again she will be dear to her husband as at the time when she entered the wedding canopy with him.
