Admitting Wrong
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ShareDiscussion and Study for Yom Kippur 2022 in Assisted Living
Jane Coaston, "Admitting to Wrongs Makes a Right"
The New York Times, 13 August 2022
For starters, I want to get better at being wrong.
We live in a world in which being right — or, at least, being seen as being right by as many people as possible — is important cultural currency. And while that makes sense for “Jeopardy!” contestants and neurosurgeons, it’s detrimental for politicians, pundits and the rest of us, who interact with our neighbors, friends and loved ones and the occasional grocery store attendant who might remind us that “12 items or fewer” actually means something.
Refusing to admit you’re wrong may be intended as self-protection but is really self-deception, which hurts you and your community. Like any untruth, it destroys trust and harms relationships on every level. I believe that in some ways, this stubborn dishonesty is at the root of our country’s polarization — millions of Americans seemingly incapable of admitting fault, focused instead on the faults of others. It’s driving us all into a moral and social ditch.
- What were you taught about taking responsibility for one's actions?
- Why is it so hard to admit when we are wrong?
- What message does it to send to you when you admit and/or know that you are wrong?
אָמַר רַבִּי חָמָא (בַּר) חֲנִינָא: גְּדוֹלָה תְּשׁוּבָה שֶׁמְּבִיאָה רִפְאוּת לְעוֹלָם, שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר: ״אֶרְפָּא מְשׁוּבָתָם אוֹהֲבֵם נְדָבָה״.
Rabbi Ḥama bar Ḥanina said: Great is repentance, as it brings healing to the world, as it is stated: “I will heal their backsliding, I will love them freely” (Hosea 14:5).
(א) כָּל מִצְוֹת שֶׁבַּתּוֹרָה בֵּין עֲשֵׂה בֵּין לֹא תַּעֲשֶׂה אִם עָבַר אָדָם עַל אַחַת מֵהֶן בֵּין בְּזָדוֹן בֵּין בִּשְׁגָגָה כְּשֶׁיַּעֲשֶׂה תְּשׁוּבָה וְיָשׁוּב מֵחֶטְאוֹ חַיָּב לְהִתְוַדּוֹת לִפְנֵי הָאֵל בָּרוּךְ הוּא שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר (במדבר ה ו) "אִישׁ אוֹ אִשָּׁה כִּי יַעֲשׂוּ" וְגוֹ' (במדבר ה ז) "וְהִתְוַדּוּ אֶת חַטָּאתָם אֲשֶׁר עָשׂוּ" זֶה וִדּוּי דְּבָרִים. וִדּוּי זֶה מִצְוַת עֲשֵׂה.
All practices for joining with the ultimate reality of interconnectedness are contained within a body (lineage) of living Jewish teachings that shapes us and orients us towards action and restraint. When a person strays from one of these practices -- whether intentionally or unknowingly -- and does teshuvah and realigns after having missed the mark, they are obligated to articulate the ways they missed the mark with spacious presence, as it says “Any time a person misses any mark, it impacts their core self and it unsettles their spirit. Thus they must articulate with awareness the ways they missed the mark…” This articulation must be fully expressed through words, language, or action. This articulation is itself an active practice for joining with the ultimate reality of interconnectedness.
*Translation by Rabbi Ari Lev Fornari and Rabbi Benay Lappe
(ו) אַף עַל פִּי שֶׁהַתְּשׁוּבָה וְהַצְּעָקָה יָפָה לָעוֹלָם. בַּעֲשָׂרָה הַיָּמִים שֶׁבֵּין רֹאשׁ הַשָּׁנָה וְיוֹם הַכִּפּוּרִים הִיא יָפָה בְּיוֹתֵר וּמִתְקַבֶּלֶת הִיא מִיָּד שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר (ישעיה נה ו) "דִּרְשׁוּ יי בְּהִמָּצְאוֹ". בַּמֶּה דְּבָרִים אֲמוּרִים בְּיָחִיד אֲבָל צִבּוּר כָּל זְמַן שֶׁעוֹשִׂים תְּשׁוּבָה וְצוֹעֲקִין בְּלֵב שָׁלֵם הֵם נַעֲנִין שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר (דברים ד ז) "כַּיי אֱלֹקֵינוּ בְּכָל קָרְאֵנוּ אֵלָיו":
(6) Although it is ever well to cry out and repent, but during the space of the ten days' time between Rosh ha-Shanah and Yom ha-Kippurim it is exceedingly better, and the supplication is presently accepted, even as it is said: "Seek ye the Lord while He may be found" (Is. 55.6). But that is saying solely concerning an individual, but a community every time they cry out a whole hearted repentance they are answered, even as it is said: "As the Lord our God is in all things that we call upon him for" (Deut. 6.7).
(ז) יוֹם הַכִּפּוּרִים הוּא זְמַן תְּשׁוּבָה לַכּל לַיָּחִיד וְלָרַבִּים וְהוּא קֵץ מְחִילָה וּסְלִיחָה לְיִשְׂרָאֵל. לְפִיכָךְ חַיָּבִים הַכּל לַעֲשׂוֹת תְּשׁוּבָה וּלְהִתְוַדּוֹת בְּיוֹם הַכִּפּוּרִים. וּמִצְוַת וִדּוּי יוֹם הַכִּפּוּרִים שֶׁיַּתְחִיל מֵעֶרֶב הַיּוֹם קֹדֶם שֶׁיֹּאכַל שֶׁמָּא יֵחָנֵק בַּסְּעֻדָּה קֹדֶם שֶׁיִּתְוַדֶּה. וְאַף עַל פִּי שֶׁהִתְוַדָּה קֹדֶם שֶׁיֹּאכַל חוֹזֵר וּמִתְוַדֶּה בְּלֵילֵי יוֹם הַכִּפּוּרִים עַרְבִית וְחוֹזֵר וּמִתְוַדֶּה בְּשַׁחֲרִית וּבְמוּסָף וּבְמִנְחָה וּבִנְעִילָה. וְהֵיכָן מִתְוַדֶּה. יָחִיד אַחַר תְּפִלָּתוֹ וּשְׁלִיחַ צִבּוּר בְּאֶמְצַע תְּפִלָּתוֹ בִּבְרָכָה רְבִיעִית:
(7) Yom ha-Kippurim is the time set aside for repentance for all, the individual as well as the many; for it is the goal of exoneration and quittance in Israel. Because thereof all are obliged to make reparation and confession on the Day of Atonement. The commandment to confess on the Day of Atonement obliges every one to commence it during the afternoon on the ninth day of Tishri, before the evening meal, lest he be sufficated eating his meal before he confess. And, though he did confess before his meal, one is obliged to confess again during the night prayer of the Day of Atonement, and to repeat the confession during the Morning, Addition, Oblation, and Closing Prayers. At what part of the prayers is the confession made? Every individual delivers it after the silent Benedictions, but the public Reader in the midst of his prayers, after the Fourth Benediction.
(ט) הָאוֹמֵר, אֶחֱטָא וְאָשׁוּב, אֶחֱטָא וְאָשׁוּב, אֵין מַסְפִּיקִין בְּיָדוֹ לַעֲשׂוֹת תְּשׁוּבָה. אֶחֱטָא וְיוֹם הַכִּפּוּרִים מְכַפֵּר, אֵין יוֹם הַכִּפּוּרִים מְכַפֵּר. עֲבֵרוֹת שֶׁבֵּין אָדָם לַמָּקוֹם, יוֹם הַכִּפּוּרִים מְכַפֵּר. עֲבֵרוֹת שֶׁבֵּין אָדָם לַחֲבֵרוֹ, אֵין יוֹם הַכִּפּוּרִים מְכַפֵּר, עַד שֶׁיְּרַצֶּה אֶת חֲבֵרוֹ. אֶת זוֹ דָּרַשׁ רַבִּי אֶלְעָזָר בֶּן עֲזַרְיָה, מִכֹּל חַטֹּאתֵיכֶם לִפְנֵי יי תִּטְהָרוּ (ויקרא טז), עֲבֵרוֹת שֶׁבֵּין אָדָם לַמָּקוֹם, יוֹם הַכִּפּוּרִים מְכַפֵּר. עֲבֵרוֹת שֶׁבֵּין אָדָם לַחֲבֵרוֹ, אֵין יוֹם הַכִּפּוּרִים מְכַפֵּר, עַד שֶׁיְּרַצֶּה אֶת חֲבֵרוֹ. אָמַר רַבִּי עֲקִיבָא, אַשְׁרֵיכֶם יִשְׂרָאֵל, לִפְנֵי מִי אַתֶּם מִטַּהֲרִין, וּמִי מְטַהֵר אֶתְכֶם, אֲבִיכֶם שֶׁבַּשָּׁמַיִם, שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר (יחזקאל לו), וְזָרַקְתִּי עֲלֵיכֶם מַיִם טְהוֹרִים וּטְהַרְתֶּם. וְאוֹמֵר (ירמיה יז), מִקְוֵה יִשְׂרָאֵל יי, מַה מִּקְוֶה מְטַהֵר אֶת הַטְּמֵאִים, אַף הַקָּדוֹשׁ בָּרוּךְ הוּא מְטַהֵר אֶת יִשְׂרָאֵל:
(9) With regard to one who says: I will sin and then I will repent, I will sin and I will repent, Heaven does not provide him the opportunity to repent, and he will remain a sinner all his days. With regard to one who says: I will sin and Yom Kippur will atone for my sins, Yom Kippur does not atone for his sins. Furthermore, for transgressions between a person and God, Yom Kippur atones; however, for transgressions between a person and another, Yom Kippur does not atone until he appeases the other person. Similarly, Rabbi Elazar ben Azarya taught that point from the verse: “From all your sins you shall be cleansed before the Lord” (Leviticus 16:30). For transgressions between a person and God, Yom Kippur atones; however, for transgressions between a person and another, Yom Kippur does not atone until he appeases the other person. In conclusion, Rabbi Akiva said: How fortunate are you, Israel; before Whom are you purified, and Who purifies you? It is your Father in Heaven, as it is stated: “And I will sprinkle purifying water upon you, and you shall be purified” (Ezekiel 36:25). And it says: “The ritual bath of Israel is God” (Jeremiah 17:13). Just as a ritual bath purifies the impure, so too, the Holy One, Blessed be He, purifies Israel.
- What role does Kavannah/Intention play in Teshuvah?
- Why are conflicts that exist between people (bein Adam L'Chavero) left out of the atonement process of Yom Kippur?
כִּי כָל דָּבָר וְדָבָר מֵעֲבוֹדַת הַשֵּׁם, כְּשֶׁרוֹצִין לִכָּנֵס בְּאוֹתוֹ הַדֶּרֶךְ וְאוֹתוֹ הָעֲבוֹדָה, צְרִיכִין לִפְתֹּחַ שָׁם פֶּתַח לִכָּנֵס בְּאוֹתוֹ הַדֶּרֶךְ, וְזֶה בְּחִינַת: כָּל הַתְחָלוֹת קָשׁוֹת, מֵחֲמַת שֶׁבַּהַתְחָלָה צְרִיכִין לְשַׁבֵּר וְלִפְתֹּחַ פֶּתַח מֵחָדָשׁ, עַל־כֵּן קָשֶׁה מְאֹד. וּסְגֻלַּת כֹּחַ הַצְּדָקָה – לְהַרְחִיב וְלִפְתֹּחַ הַפֶּתַח יוֹתֵר וְיוֹתֵר, שֶׁכְּשֶׁעוֹשִׂין אֵיזֶהוּ פֶּתַח בְּאֵיזֶה עֲבוֹדָה וְנוֹתְנִין צְדָקָה, אֲזַי הַצְּדָקָה פּוֹתַחַת וּמַרְחֶבֶת הַפֶּתַח יוֹתֵר וְיוֹתֵר, כִּי צְדָקָה הִיא הַהַתְחָלָה שֶׁל כָּל הַהַתְחָלוֹת, כִּי הִיא פּוֹתַחַת וּמַרְחֶבֶת כָּל הַפְּתָחִים כַּנַּ"ל.
When a person wants to embark upon a particular path and devotion in worshipping God, he needs to make an opening in order to enter that path. This is as in “all beginnings are difficult,” because at the beginning one must break through and open a new entrance. It is therefore very difficult. Yet the remarkable power of charity (tzedaka) is that it can widen and open the opening more and more. When we make an opening in some devotion and give charity, the charity opens and widens the opening more and more. This is because charity is the beginning of all beginnings, for it opens and widens all the entrances.
- How are Tzedakah and Teshuvah connected?
- How is Teshuvah difficult for you? How could Tzedakah help you in beginning that process?
A Note of Caution: Responding to Judgement We Receive
(כז) אֱלֹקִ֖ים לֹ֣א תְקַלֵּ֑ל וְנָשִׂ֥יא בְעַמְּךָ֖ לֹ֥א תָאֹֽר׃
(27) You shall not revile God, nor put a curse upon a chieftain among your people.
(כז) אלקים לא תקלל אף על פי שתחשוב שהטה את דינך הדיין לא תקללהו, שאין אדם רואה חובה לעצמו:
(27) אלוקים לא תקלל, even though you may feel that the judge has judged you unfairly, you must not curse him. The reason is that no individual can judge his own guilt or innocence objectively.
- Does Sforno's teaching resonate for you?
- What are the limits of Heshbon HaNefesh (self accounting)?
