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ShareWhat does it mean to HONOR?
(יב) כַּבֵּ֥ד אֶת־אָבִ֖יךָ וְאֶת־אִמֶּ֑ךָ לְמַ֙עַן֙ יַאֲרִכ֣וּן יָמֶ֔יךָ עַ֚ל הָאֲדָמָ֔ה אֲשֶׁר־ה' אֱלֹקֶ֖יךָ נֹתֵ֥ן לָֽךְ׃
(12) Honor your father and your mother, that you may long endure on the land that Adonai your God is assigning to you.
This first appears in the context of the Ten Commandments.
(א) אלו דברים שאין להם שיעור הפאה. והבכורים. והראיון. וגמילות חסדים ותלמוד תורה. אלו דברים שאדם אוכל פירותיהן בעולם הזה והקרן קיימת לו לעולם הבא. כיבוד אב ואם וגמילות חסדים והבאת שלום בין אדם לחבירו ותלמוד תורה כנגד כולם:
(1) These are the things that have no measure: Peah [corner of the field which, while harvesting, must be left for the poor], Bikurim [First-fruits that must be brought to the Temple and given to the priest], the appearance-sacrifice [brought to the Temple on Pilgrimage Festivals], acts of kindness, and the study of the Torah.
These are things the fruits of which a man enjoys in this world, while the principal remains for him in the World to Come: Honoring one's father and mother, acts of kindness, and bringing peace between a person and their fellow. But the study of Torah is equal to them all.
The surprising feature of the Fifth Commandment is its insistence that we owe our parents honor, while saying nothing about loving them. It is not as if the Torah is reluctant to command love: “Love your neighbor as yourself” (Lev. 19:18); “And you shall love the Lord your God” (Deut. 6:5); “You shall love the stranger” (Lev. 19:34). Why then are we not commanded to love our parents?
One possibility is that parents are included in the command to “Love your neighbor as yourself”; since they too are neighbors, you are commanded to love them. But I think the real reason is that the Torah realized that it is harder to command love in a relationship as intimate as that between children and parents; either the love is present or it isn’t.
In addition, many children, much as they might love their parents most of the time, go through periods of estrangement from them. Thus, what the Torah is offering us is a guideline for behavior even during those periods when we might not be feeling loving toward our parents. Even at those times when we feel our parents have not been fair to us, or even when we have seen them do something we regard as wrong, we are still obligated to honor them. (However, in instances of parents who have physically or sexually abused their children, I believe that children do not owe the parents respect or anything else for that matter.)
What does it mean to FEAR?
(א) וַיְדַבֵּ֥ר יְהוָ֖ה אֶל־מֹשֶׁ֥ה לֵּאמֹֽר (ב) דַּבֵּ֞ר אֶל־כָּל־עֲדַ֧ת בְּנֵי־יִשְׂרָאֵ֛ל וְאָמַרְתָּ֥ אֲלֵהֶ֖ם קְדֹשִׁ֣ים תִּהְי֑וּ כִּ֣י קָד֔וֹשׁ אֲנִ֖י יְהוָ֥ה אֱלֹהֵיכֶֽם׃ (ג) אִ֣ישׁ אִמּ֤וֹ וְאָבִיו֙ תִּירָ֔אוּ וְאֶת־שַׁבְּתֹתַ֖י תִּשְׁמֹ֑רוּ אֲנִ֖י יְהוָ֥ה אֱלֹהֵיכֶֽם׃
(1) Adonai spoke to Moses, saying: (2) Speak to the whole Israelite community and say to them: You shall be holy, for I, Adonai your God, am holy. (3) One shall revere/fear their mother and father, and keep My sabbaths: I Adonai am your God.
Defining the commandment to honor parents.
ת"ר איזהו מורא ואיזהו כיבוד מורא לא עומד במקומו ולא יושב במקומו ולא סותר את דבריו ולא מכריעו כיבוד מאכיל ומשקה מלביש ומכסה מכניס ומוציא
The Sages taught: What is fear and what is honor? Fear of one’s father includes the following: One may not stand in his father’s fixed place, and may not sit in his place, and may not contradict his statements by expressing an opinion contrary to that of his father, and he may not choose sides when his father argues with someone else.
What is considered honor? He gives his father food and drink, dresses and covers him, and brings him in and takes him out for all his household needs.
תניא רבי אומר גלוי וידוע לפני מי שאמר והיה העולם שבן מכבד את אמו יותר מאביו מפני שמשדלתו בדברים לפיכך הקדים הקב"ה כיבוד אב לכיבוד אם וגלוי וידוע לפני מי שאמר והיה העולם שהבן מתיירא מאביו יותר מאמו מפני שמלמדו תורה לפיכך הקדים הקב"ה מורא האם למורא האב
It is taught that Rabbi Yehuda HaNasi says: It is revealed and known before the One that a son honors his mother more than he honors his father, because she persuades him with many statements of encouragement and does not treat him harshly.
Therefore, in the mitzva of: “Honor your father and your mother” (Exodus 20:11), the Holy One, Blessed be He, preceded the mention of the honor due one’s father before mentioning the honor due one’s mother.
The verse emphasizes the duty that does not come naturally.
Similarly, it is revealed and known before the One that a son fears his father more than his mother, because his father teaches him Torah, and is strict with him.
Fear and Honor: Are there limits to the commandments?
Rav Dimi said: Once Dama ben Netina was wearing a fine gold cloak, and was sitting among the nobles of Rome. And his mother came to him and tore his garment from him and smacked him on the head and spat in his face, and yet he did not embarrass her.
If one's father or mother has become mentally disordered, he should make an effort to behave toward them according to their state of mind until they will be shown mercy [and get cured]. But if he is unable to endure the strain any longer, because they have become utterly out of their mind, he may leave them and go elsewhere, charging others to take proper care of them.
Come and hear: They asked Rabbi Eliezer how far one must go in honoring his father and mother. Rabbi Eliezer said to them: Such that the father takes a purse and throws it into the sea in front of his son, and the son does not embarrass him.
And if you say that the son honors him from the money of the father, (i.e. it's the father's money he just threw in the sea) what difference does it make to the son?
Why would the son care if his father throws away his own purse? The Gemara answers: This is referring to a son who is fit to inherit from him. Since the son thinks that the money will eventually belong to him, he has cause for anger. (And still...he does not embarrass him.)
(יא) ... רָאָהוּ עוֹבֵר עַל דִּבְרֵי תּוֹרָה לֹא יֹאמַר לוֹ אַבָּא עָבַרְתָּ עַל דִּבְרֵי תּוֹרָה אֶלָּא יֹאמַר לוֹ אַבָּא כָּתוּב בַּתּוֹרָה כָּךְ וְכָךְ כְּאִלּוּ הוּא שׁוֹאֵל מִמֶּנּוּ וְלֹא כְּמַזְהִירוֹ:
If the son sees his father violate a Torah commandment, he should not say to him, "Father, you have sinned!" Rather, he should say to him, "Thus and thus is written in the Torah," speaking to him as though he were consulting him, instead of admonishing him.
Midrash Bereishit 38:13 Abraham's father, Terach was an idol-manufacturer. Once he had to travel, so he left Abraham to manage the shop. People would come in and ask to buy idols. Abraham would say, "How old are you?" The person would say, "Fifty," or "Sixty". Abraham would say, "Isn't it pathetic that a man of sixty wants to bow down to a one-day-old idol?" The man would feel ashamed and leave. One time a woman came with a basket of bread. She said to Abraham, "Take this and offer it to the gods." Abraham got up, took a hammer in his hand, broke all the idols to pieces, and then put the hammer in the hand of the biggest idol among them. When his father came back and saw the broken idols, he was appalled. "Who did this?" he cried. "How can I hide anything from you?" replied Abraham calmly. "A woman came with a basket of bread and told me to offer it to them. I brought it in front of them, and each one said, "I'm going to eat first." Then the biggest one got up, took the hammer and broke all the others to pieces." "What are you trying to pull on me?" asked Terach, "Do they have minds?" Said Abraham: "Listen to what your own mouth is saying? They have no power at all! Why worship idols?" |
בְּעוֹ מִינֵּיהּ מֵרַב עוּלָּא עַד הֵיכָן כִּיבּוּד אָב וָאֵם?
אָמַר לָהֶם צְאוּ וּרְאוּ מָה עָשָׂה נׇכְרִי אֶחָד בְּאַשְׁקְלוֹן וְדָמָא בֶּן נְתִינָה שְׁמוֹ פַּעַם אַחַת בִּקְּשׁוּ חֲכָמִים פְּרַקְמַטְיָא בְּשִׁשִּׁים רִיבּוֹא שָׂכָר וְהָיָה מַפְתֵּחַ מוּנָּח תַּחַת מְרַאֲשׁוֹתָיו שֶׁל אָבִיו וְלֹא צִיעֲרוֹ
תָּנֵי אֲבִימִי בְּרֵיהּ דְּרַבִּי אֲבָהוּ יֵשׁ מַאֲכִיל לְאָבִיו פַּסְיוֹנֵי וְטוֹרְדוֹ מִן הָעוֹלָם וְיֵשׁ מַטְחִינוֹ בָּרֵיחַיִם וּמְבִיאוֹ לְחַיֵּי הָעוֹלָם הַבָּא
The Sages raised a dilemma before Rav Ulla: How far must one go to fulfill the mitzva of honoring one’s father and mother?
Rav Ulla said to them: Go and see what one gentile did in Ashkelon, and his name was Dama ben Netina. Once the Sages sought to purchase merchandise from him for six hundred thousand gold dinars’, but the key for the container in which the merchandise was kept was placed under his father’s head, and he was sleeping at the time. And Dama ben Netina would not disturb his father by waking him, although he could have made a substantial profit.
Avimi, son of Rabbi Abbahu, taught: There is a type of son who feeds his father pheasant [pasyonei] and yet this behavior causes him to be removed from the World, i.e., the World-to-Come; and there is one who makes him grind with a millstone, which is difficult work, and this action brings him to the life of the World-to-Come.
אָמַר רַבִּי אֲבָהוּ כְּגוֹן אֲבִימִי בְּרִי קִיֵּים מִצְוַת כִּיבּוּד חַמְשָׁה בְּנֵי סְמִיכִי הֲוָה לֵיהּ לַאֲבִימִי בְּחַיֵּי אָבִיו וְכִי הֲוָה אֲתָא רַבִּי אֲבָהוּ קָרֵי אַבָּבָא רָהֵיט וְאָזֵיל וּפָתַח לֵיהּ וְאָמַר אִין אִין עַד דְּמָטֵאי הָתָם יוֹמָא חַד אֲמַר לֵיהּ אַשְׁקְיַין מַיָּא אַדְּאַיְיתִי לֵיהּ נַמְנֵם גָּחֵין קָאֵי עֲלֵיהּ עַד דְּאִיתְּעַר אִיסְתַּיַּיעָא מִילְּתֵיהּ וּדְרַשׁ אֲבִימִי מִזְמוֹר לְאָסָף
Rabbi Abbahu said: One such as Avimi, my son, properly fulfilled the mitzva of honoring his parents. Avimi had five sons who were respected rabbis, and he also was a respected rabbi.
And yet when Rabbi Abbahu, his father, came to his gates, Avimi would himself run and go to open the door for him. And before he arrived there, he would already say: Yes, yes, so that his father would not think that he was being ignored.
One day Rabbi Abbahu said to Avimi his son: Give me water to drink. Before he brought him the water, Rabbi Abbahu dozed off. Avimi bent over and stood over him until his father awoke.