Marriage Justice in Our Biblical Stories
Sources from essay by Rabbi Naamah Kelman in The Social Justice Torah Commentary
Sources from essay by Rabbi Naamah Kelman
in The Social Justice Torah Commentary

(א) וְאַבְרָהָ֣ם זָקֵ֔ן בָּ֖א בַּיָּמִ֑ים וַֽיהֹוָ֛ה בֵּרַ֥ךְ אֶת־אַבְרָהָ֖ם בַּכֹּֽל׃ (ב) וַיֹּ֣אמֶר אַבְרָהָ֗ם אֶל־עַבְדּוֹ֙ זְקַ֣ן בֵּית֔וֹ הַמֹּשֵׁ֖ל בְּכׇל־אֲשֶׁר־ל֑וֹ שִֽׂים־נָ֥א יָדְךָ֖ תַּ֥חַת יְרֵכִֽי׃ (ג) וְאַשְׁבִּ֣יעֲךָ֔ בַּֽיהֹוָה֙ אֱלֹהֵ֣י הַשָּׁמַ֔יִם וֵֽאלֹהֵ֖י הָאָ֑רֶץ אֲשֶׁ֨ר לֹֽא־תִקַּ֤ח אִשָּׁה֙ לִבְנִ֔י מִבְּנוֹת֙ הַֽכְּנַעֲנִ֔י אֲשֶׁ֥ר אָנֹכִ֖י יוֹשֵׁ֥ב בְּקִרְבּֽוֹ׃ (ד) כִּ֧י אֶל־אַרְצִ֛י וְאֶל־מוֹלַדְתִּ֖י תֵּלֵ֑ךְ וְלָקַחְתָּ֥ אִשָּׁ֖ה לִבְנִ֥י לְיִצְחָֽק׃

(1) Abraham was now old, advanced in years, and יהוה had blessed Abraham in all things. (2) And Abraham said to the senior servant of his household, who had charge of all that he owned, “Put your hand under my thigh (3) and I will make you swear by יהוה, the God of heaven and the God of the earth, that you will not take a wife for my son from the daughters of the Canaanites among whom I dwell, (4) but will go to the land of my birth and get a wife for my son Isaac.”
(יג) הִנֵּ֛ה אָנֹכִ֥י נִצָּ֖ב עַל־עֵ֣ין הַמָּ֑יִם וּבְנוֹת֙ אַנְשֵׁ֣י הָעִ֔יר יֹצְאֹ֖ת לִשְׁאֹ֥ב מָֽיִם׃ (יד) וְהָיָ֣ה הַֽנַּעֲרָ֗ אֲשֶׁ֨ר אֹמַ֤ר אֵלֶ֙יהָ֙ הַטִּי־נָ֤א כַדֵּךְ֙ וְאֶשְׁתֶּ֔ה וְאָמְרָ֣ה שְׁתֵ֔ה וְגַם־גְּמַלֶּ֖יךָ אַשְׁקֶ֑ה אֹתָ֤הּ הֹכַ֙חְתָּ֙ לְעַבְדְּךָ֣ לְיִצְחָ֔ק וּבָ֣הּ אֵדַ֔ע כִּי־עָשִׂ֥יתָ חֶ֖סֶד עִם־אֲדֹנִֽי׃ (טו) וַֽיְהִי־ה֗וּא טֶ֘רֶם֮ כִּלָּ֣ה לְדַבֵּר֒ וְהִנֵּ֧ה רִבְקָ֣ה יֹצֵ֗את אֲשֶׁ֤ר יֻלְּדָה֙ לִבְתוּאֵ֣ל בֶּן־מִלְכָּ֔ה אֵ֥שֶׁת נָח֖וֹר אֲחִ֣י אַבְרָהָ֑ם וְכַדָּ֖הּ עַל־שִׁכְמָֽהּ׃ (טז) וְהַֽנַּעֲרָ֗ טֹבַ֤ת מַרְאֶה֙ מְאֹ֔ד בְּתוּלָ֕ה וְאִ֖ישׁ לֹ֣א יְדָעָ֑הּ וַתֵּ֣רֶד הָעַ֔יְנָה וַתְּמַלֵּ֥א כַדָּ֖הּ וַתָּֽעַל׃ (יז) וַיָּ֥רׇץ הָעֶ֖בֶד לִקְרָאתָ֑הּ וַיֹּ֕אמֶר הַגְמִיאִ֥ינִי נָ֛א מְעַט־מַ֖יִם מִכַּדֵּֽךְ׃ (יח) וַתֹּ֖אמֶר שְׁתֵ֣ה אֲדֹנִ֑י וַתְּמַהֵ֗ר וַתֹּ֧רֶד כַּדָּ֛הּ עַל־יָדָ֖הּ וַתַּשְׁקֵֽהוּ׃ (יט) וַתְּכַ֖ל לְהַשְׁקֹת֑וֹ וַתֹּ֗אמֶר גַּ֤ם לִגְמַלֶּ֙יךָ֙ אֶשְׁאָ֔ב עַ֥ד אִם־כִּלּ֖וּ לִשְׁתֹּֽת׃ (כ) וַתְּמַהֵ֗ר וַתְּעַ֤ר כַּדָּהּ֙ אֶל־הַשֹּׁ֔קֶת וַתָּ֥רׇץ ע֛וֹד אֶֽל־הַבְּאֵ֖ר לִשְׁאֹ֑ב וַתִּשְׁאַ֖ב לְכׇל־גְּמַלָּֽיו׃
(13) Here I stand by the spring as the daughters of the townspeople come out to draw water; (14) let the maiden to whom I say, ‘Please, lower your jar that I may drink,’ and who replies, ‘Drink, and I will also water your camels’—let her be the one whom You have decreed for Your servant Isaac. Thereby shall I know that You have dealt graciously with my master.” (15) He had scarcely finished speaking, when Rebekah, who was born to Bethuel, the son of Milcah the wife of Abraham’s brother Nahor, came out with her jar on her shoulder. (16) The maiden was very beautiful—[and] a virgin, no man having known her. She went down to the spring, filled her jar, and came up. (17) The servant ran toward her and said, “Please, let me sip a little water from your jar.” (18) “Drink, my lord,” she said, and she quickly lowered her jar upon her hand and let him drink. (19) When she had let him drink his fill, she said, “I will also draw for your camels, until they finish drinking.” (20) Quickly emptying her jar into the trough, she ran back to the well to draw, and she drew for all his camels.
(נ) וַיַּ֨עַן לָבָ֤ן וּבְתוּאֵל֙ וַיֹּ֣אמְר֔וּ מֵיְהֹוָ֖ה יָצָ֣א הַדָּבָ֑ר לֹ֥א נוּכַ֛ל דַּבֵּ֥ר אֵלֶ֖יךָ רַ֥ע אוֹ־טֽוֹב׃ (נא) הִנֵּֽה־רִבְקָ֥ה לְפָנֶ֖יךָ קַ֣ח וָלֵ֑ךְ וּתְהִ֤י אִשָּׁה֙ לְבֶן־אֲדֹנֶ֔יךָ כַּאֲשֶׁ֖ר דִּבֶּ֥ר יְהֹוָֽה׃
(50) Then Laban and Bethuel answered, “The matter was decreed by יהוה; we cannot speak to you bad or good. (51) Here is Rebekah before you; take her and go, and let her be a wife to your master’s son, as יהוה has spoken.”
(נז) וַיֹּאמְר֖וּ נִקְרָ֣א לַֽנַּעֲרָ֑ וְנִשְׁאֲלָ֖ה אֶת־פִּֽיהָ׃ (נח) וַיִּקְרְא֤וּ לְרִבְקָה֙ וַיֹּאמְר֣וּ אֵלֶ֔יהָ הֲתֵלְכִ֖י עִם־הָאִ֣ישׁ הַזֶּ֑ה וַתֹּ֖אמֶר אֵלֵֽךְ׃

(57) And they said, “Let us call the girl and ask for her reply.” (58) They called Rebekah and said to her, “Will you go with this man?” And she said, “I will.”

(סד) וַתִּשָּׂ֤א רִבְקָה֙ אֶת־עֵינֶ֔יהָ וַתֵּ֖רֶא אֶת־יִצְחָ֑ק וַתִּפֹּ֖ל מֵעַ֥ל הַגָּמָֽל׃
(64) Raising her eyes, Rebekah saw Isaac. She alighted from the camel
(סז) וַיְבִאֶ֣הָ יִצְחָ֗ק הָאֹ֙הֱלָה֙ שָׂרָ֣ה אִמּ֔וֹ וַיִּקַּ֧ח אֶת־רִבְקָ֛ה וַתְּהִי־ל֥וֹ לְאִשָּׁ֖ה וַיֶּאֱהָבֶ֑הָ וַיִּנָּחֵ֥ם יִצְחָ֖ק אַחֲרֵ֥י אִמּֽוֹ׃ {פ}
(67) Isaac then brought her into the tent of his mother Sarah, and he took Rebekah as his wife. Isaac loved her, and thus found comfort after his mother’s death.

What are the characteristics of Isaac & Rebekah's relationship? What foundational values are found on display in Chayei Sarah?

Only in the modern era do women have autonomy to choose their marriage partner, but even now, this agency in matters of marriage is not universal. In the State of Israel and in Orthodox circles around the world, women have a subordinate status in rituals surrounding marriage and are bound to their husband's will in matters of divorce.
-Rabbi Naamah Kelman

(א) הָאִשָּׁה נִקְנֵית בְּשָׁלשׁ דְּרָכִים, וְקוֹנָה אֶת עַצְמָהּ בִּשְׁתֵּי דְרָכִים. נִקְנֵית בְּכֶסֶף, בִּשְׁטָר, וּבְבִיאָה. בְּכֶסֶף, בֵּית שַׁמַּאי אוֹמְרִים, בְּדִינָר וּבְשָׁוֶה דִינָר. וּבֵית הִלֵּל אוֹמְרִים, בִּפְרוּטָה וּבְשָׁוֶה פְרוּטָה. וְכַמָּה הִיא פְרוּטָה, אֶחָד מִשְּׁמֹנָה בָאִסָּר הָאִיטַלְקִי. וְקוֹנָה אֶת עַצְמָהּ בְּגֵט וּבְמִיתַת הַבָּעַל. הַיְבָמָה נִקְנֵית בְּבִיאָה. וְקוֹנָה אֶת עַצְמָהּ בַּחֲלִיצָה וּבְמִיתַת הַיָּבָם:

(1) A woman is acquired by, i.e., becomes betrothed to, a man to be his wife in three ways, and she acquires herself, i.e., she terminates her marriage, in two ways. The mishna elaborates: She is acquired through money, through a document, and through sexual intercourse. With regard to a betrothal through money, there is a dispute between tanna’im: Beit Shammai say that she can be acquired with one dinar or with anything that is worth one dinar. And Beit Hillel say: She can be acquired with one peruta, a small copper coin, or with anything that is worth one peruta. The mishna further clarifies: And how much is the value of one peruta, by the fixed value of silver? The mishna explains that it is one-eighth of the Italian issar, which is a small silver coin. And a woman acquires herself through a bill of divorce or through the death of the husband. A woman whose husband, who had a brother, died childless [yevama], can be acquired by the deceased husband’s brother, the yavam, only through intercourse. And she acquires herself, i.e., she is released from her levirate bond, through ḥalitza or through the death of the yavam.

How have we evolved from this misogynistic understanding of marriage? How have we not?

In the Diaspora, where civil marriage and divorce exist, Jewish women have full autonomy to enter and exit marriages, although Orthodox and Conservative women would need a get, a halachic divorce, to remarry in a Jewish ceremony. In Israel, marriage and divorce are under the complete control of the Orthodox Chief Rabbinate. Women do not have full autonomy in marriage procedures and have no freedom in divorce. Jewish women in Israel must use the mikveh (ritual bath) in order to prepare for their marriage ceremony. They do not have any role in the ketubah writing or sign-ing. They say nothing during the wedding ceremony. These requirements and restrictions apply to any Israeli woman who goes through the Chief Rabbinate, as the majority of non-Orthodox Israelis do. Most are willing to tolerate this ancient, patriarchal system for a host of reasons- not least because Israel has no civil marriage, and the Israeli government does not recognize any Jewish marriages conducted outside the authority of the Chief Rabbinate. Sadly, if a secular, non-Orthodox couple gets divorced, they have no recourse except to go back to the Chief Rabbinate, where women discover their subordinate status.
-Rabbi Naamah Kelman

(יב) וַיֹּאמַ֓ר ׀ יְהֹוָ֗ה אֱלֹהֵי֙ אֲדֹנִ֣י אַבְרָהָ֔ם הַקְרֵה־נָ֥א לְפָנַ֖י הַיּ֑וֹם וַעֲשֵׂה־חֶ֕סֶד עִ֖ם אֲדֹנִ֥י אַבְרָהָֽם׃

(12) And he said, “O יהוה, God of my master Abraham’s [house], grant me good fortune this day, and deal graciously with my master Abraham:

(ג) וַתֵּ֤לֶךְ וַתָּבוֹא֙ וַתְּלַקֵּ֣ט בַּשָּׂדֶ֔ה אַחֲרֵ֖י הַקֹּצְרִ֑ים וַיִּ֣קֶר מִקְרֶ֔הָ חֶלְקַ֤ת הַשָּׂדֶה֙ לְבֹ֔עַז אֲשֶׁ֖ר מִמִּשְׁפַּ֥חַת אֱלִימֶֽלֶךְ׃

(3) and off she went. She came and gleaned in a field, behind the reapers; and, as luck would have it, it was the piece of land belonging to Boaz, who was of Elimelech’s family.

As Rabbi Kelman notes, the stories of Isaac & Rebekah, as well as Ruth & Boaz, uses an interesting verb (highlighted above). She continues, "The events in these stories do not happen by chance; they are God's work. Abraham's servant discovers a certain well only to discover Rebekah, and Ruth stumbles upon Boaz's field." What role does "luck" have in establishing and maintaining sacred relationships? What are moments of serendipity in your life that led you to a relationship?

We learn much about the importance of women's agency in marriage from the stories of Rebekah and Isaac, Ruth and Boaz. These moving narratives show that marriages in which women remain objects of vessels are not based on longing-kindness or fairness. Marriages work best when love and equality are the foundation.
-Rabbi Naamah Kelman

Discussion Questions by Ariel Tovlev
  1. What does the story of Isaac and Rebekah teach us about Jewish marriage?
  2. Many modern individuals assume that all women were subordinate in ancient
    times. In what ways was Rebekah not subordinate? What can we learn from her
    actions?
  3. As Rabbi Kelman teaches, Rebekah subverts the traditional love story by being
    an agent of love rather than an object of love. What are modern day examples of radical love? How can we be agents of love?