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While the obligation to forgive only applies when there is a sincere apology, Chazal (our sages) teach that great individuals often go above and beyond, practicing a middat chassidut – trait of piety – by forgiving others even without an apology. In fact, there is a nightly prayer found in the siddur (prayer book), in which we forgive anyone who has harmed us – whether they have asked for forgiveness or not. This ensures that we don’t retire for the night without forgiving everyone. TorahMates.org
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“If I forgive, am I letting them off the hook? Am I excusing the wrong done to me?” But forgiveness is not about erasing justice or pretending something painful never happened. The deeper question is: What does forgiving do for us, the forgivers? What is there to be gained by letting go? ...forgiveness is liberating. It is not about condoning another’s behavior; it is about releasing ourselves from the weight of bitterness. Forgiveness says: “I will not let this pain define me. I will not let someone else’s misdeed hold me hostage.”..Forgiveness is not weakness—it is courage. It does not mean forgetting, nor does it mean accepting injustice. It means granting ourselves the gift of moving on. We cannot change the past, but by choosing forgiveness, we reclaim our future. ~Rabbi Dr. Avi Kuperberg, Forgiving Others, Freeing Ourselves
(ט) מְֽכַסֶּה־פֶּ֭שַׁע מְבַקֵּ֣שׁ אַהֲבָ֑ה וְשֹׁנֶ֥ה בְ֝דָבָ֗ר מַפְרִ֥יד אַלּֽוּף׃
(9)One who seeks love overlooks faults,But one who harps on a matter alienates friends.
(יח) לֹֽא־תִקֹּ֤ם וְלֹֽא־תִטֹּר֙ אֶת־בְּנֵ֣י עַמֶּ֔ךָ וְאָֽהַבְתָּ֥ לְרֵעֲךָ֖ כָּמ֑וֹךָ אֲנִ֖י יהוה׃
(18) You shall not take vengeance or bear a grudge against members of your people. Love your fellow [Israelite] as yourself: I am יהוה.
תַּנְיָא, רַבִּי יוֹסֵי בַּר יְהוּדָה אוֹמֵר: אָדָם עוֹבֵר עֲבֵירָה פַּעַם רִאשׁוֹנָה — מוֹחֲלִין לוֹ, שְׁנִיָּה — מוֹחֲלִין לוֹ, שְׁלִישִׁית — מוֹחֲלִין לוֹ, רְבִיעִית — אֵין מוֹחֲלִין לוֹ, שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר: ״כֹּה אָמַר יהוה עַל שְׁלֹשָׁה פִּשְׁעֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל וְעַל אַרְבָּעָה לֹא אֲשִׁיבֶנּוּ״, (וְנֶאֱמַר:) ״הֵן כׇּל אֵלֶּה יִפְעַל אֵל פַּעֲמַיִם שָׁלֹשׁ עִם גָּבֶר״.
§ It was taught in a baraita that Rabbi Yosei bar Yehuda says: When a person commits a transgression the first time, he is forgiven; a second time, he is forgiven; a third time, he is forgiven; but the fourth time, he is not forgiven, as it is stated: “Thus said the Lord: For three transgressions of Israel, but for four I will not reverse it” (Amos 2:6). And it says: “All these things does God do twice or three times with a man” (Job 33:29).
Forgiveness can be a challenging middah, particularly when we've been hurt deeply and still feel the pain. We recognize that we are all flawed individuals, with inclinations that lead us toward the good or distance us from others and Hashem. The forgiveness we show others is how we would also want to be forgiven.
Bullet Points /key concepts review:
- Jacob lived to 147, and his last years and his death are described
- The earliest mention of shiva, the 7 days of mourning is in this parsha, including the obligation to bury the dead, along with some practices
- Jacob blesses Joseph, and Ephraim and Manashe---his grandsons
- After, Jacob blesses his twelve sons who have gathered at his bed, giving each blessings containing an assessment and prediction
- Joseph mourns his father's death and Jacob is embalmed, and buried in Hebron in a Machpelah cave in Canaan.
- Joseph reassures his brothers that they and their families will be safe and taken care of
- Joseph dies at age 110 and tells his family before that they are to return his bones to their homeland, they promise to take his bones with him when they leave Egypt
Mechilah: The most basic kind of forgiveness: “forgoing the other’s indebtedness”. If the offender has done teshuvah, and is sincere in his or her repentance, the offended person should offer mechilah; that is, the offended person should forgo the debt of the offender, relinquish his or her claim against the offender. This is not a reconciliation of heart or an embracing of the offender; it is simply reaching the conclusion that the offender no longer owes me anything for whatever it was that he or she did. Mechilah is like a pardon granted to a criminal by the modern state. The crime remains; only the debt is forgiven.The principle that mechilah ought to be granted only if deserved is the great Jewish “No” to easy forgiveness. It is core to the Jewish view of forgiveness, just as desisting from sin is core to the Jewish view of repentance. Without good grounds, the offended person should not forgo the indebtedness of the sinner; otherwise, the sinner may never truly repent and evil will be perpetuated. And, conversely, if there are good grounds to waive the debt or relinquish the claim, the offended person is morally bound to do so. This is the great Jewish “Yes” to the possibility of repentance for every sinner.
Selichah: an act of the heart. It is reaching a deeper understanding of the sinner. It is achieving an empathy for the troubledness of the other. Selichah, too, is not a reconciliation or an embracing of the offender; it is simply reaching the conclusion that the offender, too, is human, frail, and deserving of sympathy. It is closer to an act of mercy than to an act of grace. A woman abused by a man may never reach this level of forgiveness; she is not obliged, nor is it morally necessary for her, to do so.
Excerpted from: myjewishlearning.org
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(יד) וַיָּ֨שׇׁב יוֹסֵ֤ף מִצְרַ֙יְמָה֙ ה֣וּא וְאֶחָ֔יו וְכׇל־הָעֹלִ֥ים אִתּ֖וֹ לִקְבֹּ֣ר אֶת־אָבִ֑יו אַחֲרֵ֖י קׇבְר֥וֹ אֶת־אָבִֽיו׃(טו) וַיִּרְא֤וּ אֲחֵֽי־יוֹסֵף֙ כִּי־מֵ֣ת אֲבִיהֶ֔ם וַיֹּ֣אמְר֔וּ ל֥וּ יִשְׂטְמֵ֖נוּ יוֹסֵ֑ף וְהָשֵׁ֤ב יָשִׁיב֙ לָ֔נוּ אֵ֚ת כׇּל־הָ֣רָעָ֔ה אֲשֶׁ֥ר גָּמַ֖לְנוּ אֹתֽוֹ׃(טז) וַיְצַוּ֕וּ אֶל־יוֹסֵ֖ף לֵאמֹ֑ר אָבִ֣יךָ צִוָּ֔ה לִפְנֵ֥י מוֹת֖וֹ לֵאמֹֽר׃(יז) כֹּֽה־תֹאמְר֣וּ לְיוֹסֵ֗ף אָ֣נָּ֡א שָׂ֣א נָ֠א פֶּ֣שַׁע אַחֶ֤יךָ וְחַטָּאתָם֙ כִּי־רָעָ֣ה גְמָל֔וּךָ וְעַתָּה֙ שָׂ֣א נָ֔א לְפֶ֥שַׁע עַבְדֵ֖י אֱלֹהֵ֣י אָבִ֑יךָ וַיֵּ֥בְךְּ יוֹסֵ֖ף בְּדַבְּרָ֥ם אֵלָֽיו׃(יח) וַיֵּלְכוּ֙ גַּם־אֶחָ֔יו וַֽיִּפְּל֖וּ לְפָנָ֑יו וַיֹּ֣אמְר֔וּ הִנֶּ֥נּֽוּ לְךָ֖ לַעֲבָדִֽים׃
(14) After burying his father, Joseph returned to Egypt, he and his brothers and all who had gone up with him to bury his father.(15) When Joseph’s brothers saw that their father was dead, they said, “What if Joseph still bears a grudge against us and pays us back for all the wrong that we did him!”(16) So they sent this message to Joseph, “Before his death your father left this instruction:(17) So shall you say to Joseph, ‘Forgive, I urge you, the offense and guilt of your brothers who treated you so harshly.’ Therefore, please forgive the offense of the servants of the God of your father’s [house].” And Joseph was in tears as they spoke to him.(18) His brothers went to him themselves, flung themselves before him, and said, “We are prepared to be your slaves.”
ויראו אחי יוסף כי מת אביהם. מַהוּ וַיִּרְאוּ? הִכִּירוּ בְּמִיתָתוֹ אֵצֶל יוֹסֵף, שֶׁהָיוּ רְגִילִים לִסְעֹד עַל שֻׁלְחָנוֹ שֶׁל יוֹסֵף וְהָיָה מְקָרְבָן בִּשְׁבִיל כְּבוֹד אָבִיו, וּמִשֶּׁמֵּת יַעֲקֹב לֹא קֵרְבָן (בראשית רבה):
ויראו אחי יוסף כי מת אביהם AND WHEN JOSEPH S BRETHREN SAW THAT THEIR FATHER WAS DEAD — What is the meaning of “and they saw”? They could perceive that he was dead through the conduct of Joseph. Previously they used to dine at Joseph’s table and he used to receive them with open arms out of respect to his father; after Jacob’s death, however, he no longer treated them in a friendly manner (Tanchuma Yashan 2:1:2; Genesis Rabbah 100:8).
לו ישמטנו. שמא יטור לנו איבה. כמו וישטום עשו. ויש לו במקרא על דרכים רבים:
IT MAY BE THAT JOSEPH WILL HATE US. Perhaps Joseph will harbor a hatred for us. Yistemenu (will hate us) is analogous to va-yistom in And Esau hated (va-yistom) Jacob (Gen. 27:41). The word lu (it may be) is used in Scripture in many ways.
ויצוו אל יוסף. ובחיי אביהם למה לא צוו אלא אמרו מה לנו לעורר השנאה שהרי כבר שכחה והלכה לה כיון שחזרו מלקבור אביהם ועבר יוסף על הבור שהשליכוהו אחיו אמר ברוך שעשה לי נס במקום הזה אמרו עדיין יש שנאה טמונה בלבו מיד ויצוו אל יוסף:
ויצוו אל יוסף , “they sent a messenger to deliver an urgent message to Joseph;” why did they not do so during the lifetime of their father? During the lifetime of their father they had thought it best not to resurrect old hatreds, etc. they assumed that the past had been buried. When they had passed the pit into which they had thrown Joseph they observed how Joseph recited the blessing appropriate for people who had been the witness and beneficiaries of Divine miracles. When they saw this, they were afraid that he had not forgiven them for the past.
אביך צוה. שִׁנּוּ בַדָּבָר מִפְּנֵי הַשָּׁלוֹם, כִּי לֹא צִוָּה יַעֲקֹב כֵּן, שֶׁלֹּא נֶחֱשַׁד יוֹסֵף בְּעֵינָיו (בראשית רבה, יבמות ס"ה):
אביך צוה THY FATHER DID COMMAND — They altered the facts (they stated something that was false) for the sake of peace, for Jacob had given them no such command because Joseph was not suspect in his sight (Yevamot 65b)).
וְאָמַר רַבִּי אִילְעָא מִשּׁוּם רַבִּי אֶלְעָזָר בְּרַבִּי שִׁמְעוֹן: מוּתָּר לוֹ לָאָדָם לְשַׁנּוֹת בִּדְבַר הַשָּׁלוֹם, שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר: ״אָבִיךְ צִוָּה וְגוֹ׳ כֹּה תֹאמְרוּ לְיוֹסֵף אָנָּא שָׂא נָא וְגוֹ׳״.
And Rabbi Ile’a further said in the name of Rabbi Elazar, son of Rabbi Shimon: It is permitted for a person to depart from the truth in a matter that will bring peace, as it is stated: “Your father commanded before he died, saying: So you shall say to Joseph: Please pardon your brothers’ crime, etc.” (Genesis 50:16–17). Jacob never issued this command, but his sons falsely attributed this statement to him in order to preserve peace between them and Joseph.
“So say to Joseph…[Joseph wept as they spoke to him]” – he said: ‘This is how my brothers are suspicious of me?’ B'reishit Rabbah 100
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רשב״ג אומר גדול הוא השלום שמצינו שדברו השבטים דברי בדאות כדי להטיל שלום בין יוסף לאחיו. שנאמר (בראשית נ׳:ט״ז) ויצוו אל יוסף לאמר אביך צוה וגו׳. אין אנו מוצאין שצוה להם כלום.
Rabban Simeon b. Gamaliel said: Great is peace, for we find that the tribes reported an untrue statement in order to maintain peace between Joseph and his brethren; as it is stated, And they sent a message unto Joseph, saying: Thy father did command before he died, saying: So shall ye say unto Joseph: Forgive, I pray thee now, the transgression of thy brethren and their sin, but we do not find that [Jacob] had given them any such command.
(כב) וַיֵּ֤שֶׁב יוֹסֵף֙ בְּמִצְרַ֔יִם ה֖וּא וּבֵ֣ית אָבִ֑יו וַיְחִ֣י יוֹסֵ֔ף מֵאָ֥ה וָעֶ֖שֶׂר שָׁנִֽים׃ (כג) וַיַּ֤רְא יוֹסֵף֙ לְאֶפְרַ֔יִם בְּנֵ֖י שִׁלֵּשִׁ֑ים גַּ֗ם בְּנֵ֤י מָכִיר֙ בֶּן־מְנַשֶּׁ֔ה יֻלְּד֖וּ עַל־בִּרְכֵּ֥י יוֹסֵֽף׃ (כד) וַיֹּ֤אמֶר יוֹסֵף֙ אֶל־אֶחָ֔יו אָנֹכִ֖י מֵ֑ת וֵֽאלֹהִ֞ים פָּקֹ֧ד יִפְקֹ֣ד אֶתְכֶ֗ם וְהֶעֱלָ֤ה אֶתְכֶם֙ מִן־הָאָ֣רֶץ הַזֹּ֔את אֶל־הָאָ֕רֶץ אֲשֶׁ֥ר נִשְׁבַּ֛ע לְאַבְרָהָ֥ם לְיִצְחָ֖ק וּֽלְיַעֲקֹֽב׃ (כה) וַיַּשְׁבַּ֣ע יוֹסֵ֔ף אֶת־בְּנֵ֥י יִשְׂרָאֵ֖ל לֵאמֹ֑ר פָּקֹ֨ד יִפְקֹ֤ד אֱלֹהִים֙ אֶתְכֶ֔ם וְהַעֲלִתֶ֥ם אֶת־עַצְמֹתַ֖י מִזֶּֽה׃ (כו) וַיָּ֣מׇת יוֹסֵ֔ף בֶּן־מֵאָ֥ה וָעֶ֖שֶׂר שָׁנִ֑ים וַיַּחַנְט֣וּ אֹת֔וֹ וַיִּ֥ישֶׂם בָּאָר֖וֹן בְּמִצְרָֽיִם׃
(22) So Joseph and his father’s household remained in Egypt. Joseph lived one hundred and ten years. (23) Joseph lived to see children of the third generation of Ephraim; the children of Machir son of Manasseh were likewise born upon Joseph’s knees. (24) At length, Joseph said to his brothers, “I am about to die. God will surely take notice of you and bring you up from this land to the land promised on oath to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob.” (25) So Joseph made the sons of Israel swear, saying, “When God has taken notice of you, you shall carry up my bones from here.” (26) Joseph died at the age of one hundred and ten years; and he was embalmed and placed in a coffin in Egypt.
