Four Part Jewish Apology Practice
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ShareThis was a sermon given on October 1, 2024 for Erev Rosh Hashanah 5785. It describes a four part apology practice based on teachings by Maimonides. Repairing our relationships keep them strong, which is the key to getting through this time of fear, anger and grief.
Sermon from Erev Rosh Hashahanah 2024 – 5785
Shana Tova and Shalom to everyone here and on zoom.
If I have done anything to hurt or upset you in the prior year, I’m not going to apologize. Well let me amend that I am not going to apologize right here and now. However, If have done that hurt or wronged you even in a small way, please come and let me know. Let’s have a conversation about it. I’ll do my best to make things right.
An apology is important, and should be done one on one or in small groups. I’ll talk more about the Jewish way to give an apology in a few minutes.
But first I want to name that we are coming together after a very hard year, which itself was after a number of hard years. Let’s all take a deep breath and let it out.
I wish there was a magic bullet I could give you where we can say new year new start, but unfortunately events on the world and national stage are beyond my control. They are beyond any of our control. Yes, we can and should make our voices heard, but the wars, the elections, the international community, are things we can’t control. And that is scary.
In his book Man’s Search For Meaning, Holocaust survivor and psychologist Viktor Frankl wrote “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” Did that last part surprise you? I did me when I was trying to look up the exact wording of his more famous quote, about being able to choose how we respond to a situation. This one goes deeper. Yes, in theory I can choose how I respond to a difficult situation, but to respond differently than my norm, I need to change myself.
I don’t believe in magic bullets, but there are some things in this world that are kind of magical. For example, a friend of mine is an orthopedic surgeon. He once explained to me that a bone is stronger than steel. Part of the reason why is that a bone can repair itself, where a steel girder will eventually wear out. If you go to Wikipedia, you’ll find a long list of bridge collapses due to metal fatigue. As long as our body’s ability to repair itself remains robust, a bone will remain strong.
And repair is what I am going to talk about tonight. Specifically repair of relationships.
What can we do to repair our relationships? My sister-in-law Paula sent me a great Instagram video from parenting expert and psychologist Dr. Becky, who defines repair as going back to a moment of disconnection, taking responsibility for your behavior, and acknowledging the impact it had on another. Moreover, she emphasizes that repair opens up conversations, whereas some types of apology can shut conversation down. I went and found the entire transcript of Dr Becky Kennedy’s Ted talk.
She gives examples of both a bad apology and a repair conversation. The bad apology from a parent to a child goes something like this: “I’m sorry that I yelled, but you should not have called the dinner I cooked for you disgusting. ” Dr. Becky explained that this type of apology reinforces the message that when we make a mistake, something bad results, and therefore it is all our fault, an attitude we can internalize and that persists into adulthood. I find this fascinating, and I know that many of us tend to blame ourselves when something goes wrong.
For a repair conversation, she suggests naming what happened, taking responsibility, and stating what you would do differently next time. For example, “I keep thinking about what happened the other night. I’m sorry I yelled. I’m sure it was scary, and it wasn’t your fault. I’m working on staying calm, even when I’m frustrated.”
When we repair a relationship, it heals the damage. It is like that self-repairing bone that is stronger than steel, and is robust enough to withstand future stress.
Parenting is so hard. It is so obvious when we screw up, and we beat ourselves up for it. It is less obvious in our other relationships, our relationship partners, our friends, the people we are just getting to know.
And stuff happens between people. Maybe they are mini ruptures, maybe they are blow ups. When we repair them, the bone remains strong. But at times like this, I may not have the capacity for to enter into a repair conversation. Or worse still, I might not notice or even care that I’ve done something that is a little or medium hurtful, because I can get wrapped up in my own pain.
The High Holidays offer us a great opportunity for a spiritual reboot. It is repair season, and we have the infrastructure to both help us notice where we’ve missed the mark, and to support us as we reach out to others. Again and again in our liturgy, we’ll see the message that our personal conduct matters, and that we have an opportunity to change.
Let me say that again, our personal conduct matters, and we have an opportunity to change.
For example, when we go through the al chet, or the long confessional prayers, we see very little about the mitzvot. We don’t say “for the sin I have committed against you by eating shrimp or the sin I have committed against you for working on shabbat.” We mention sins of speech, zeal for bad causes, stubbornness and envy – they are issues of personal conduct. As we notice things we’ve done, including small and medium ways that we’ve missed the mark and hurt someone, we have an opportunity to give a good apology, and repair.
Maimonides, the 12th century Rabbi, philosopher and physician, teaches us that there are four steps to giving an apology.
The first step is to verbally acknowledge what you did, and the pain it caused the other person. It is important to show that you really understand the impact your action had on them.
The second step is to express genuine contrition. If we put these first two steps together, it would sound something like this:
“I am so sorry that I didn’t return your call. I understand now how much this hurt you and made you feel that I don’t value you. You are a dear friend, and the last thing I would want to do is to make you feel less than.”
This statement is very specific, and I take full responsibility for my actions. There are no excuses, and no blaming the other person. Notice how it does not say “I’m sorry if you were hurt that I didn’t return your call.” The conditional is a bit of a hedge, and suggests that it is the listeners fault that they were hurt. And frankly, if they were not hurt, you wouldn’t need to apologize.
Remember, the reason we are apologizing is to repair a relationship. Not that it’s a competition, but Maimonides got there almost 1000 years before Dr. Becky.
Here are some other examples of showing that we really understand:
“When I raised my voice you went into freeze and felt paralyzed.”
“When I gave you that feedback publicly, you felt humiliated and ashamed.”
“When I didn’t reach out when you were sick, I let you down and wasn’t there for you when you really needed me.’
The third step is to make it right if you can. In other words, we look for a way to make restitution.
“I realize that by not returning your call, you didn’t have anyone to drive you to the doctor, and you had to take an uber. And then after the appointment, you didn’t have anyone to talk about your diagnosis. Can I buy you lunch to make it up to you? I’m here to listen, either now or over lunch.”
The fourth step is to resolve to do things differently next time. Yep, I had that reaction too. That is the hard part. Doing things differently means changing our behavior.
It sounds like this “I was busy and distracted but that is no excuse. Our friendship is very important to me. In the future, I will be sure to get back to you. If I can’t call back right away, I’ll send you a text asking if it is urgent, and letting you know when I can call you back if it isn’t.”
Changing oneself is never easy. We have another word for that this time of year. It is called teshuva. While sometimes we translate teshuva as repentance, its Hebrew root means to turn. We need to turn from the way we have been doing things into a new direction.
Our tradition teaches that we’ll never know that we have actually done teshuva, until we are in a similar situation again and act differently. Notice it says act differently, not perfectly.
Teshuva is not all or nothing. As much as I’d like to say “I’ll never do this again,” some habits are really engrained and may take a lifetime to change. [Gave example by walking forward, and to the side and then partially straightening out] Maybe this year we can only go from here to here. That’s ok, we’ll be back next year, and can work on going a bit farther.
Unfortunately, this year I had an opportunity to put these four steps into practice. I really hurt a friend, more badly than I’ve hurt anyone in years. I won’t go into the details, but I did something thoughtless, and it really hurt them.
I had no idea. I’m so glad that they told me, because otherwise they might have just drifted away, and I would never have known why. Some people may not have been bothered by what happened, but this person was, and in hindsight I could have realized that it might bother them. It was a painful conversation, especially because there was no obvious way to make it right. At one point they said to me “how could you think that was ok?” I didn’t have an answer. I just said, “I don’t know. I messed up. I was wrong and in future situations I’ll do better and be more considerate and thoughtful.”
And while we are working on rebuilding the friendship, self-forgiveness is harder for me.
The four steps of this apology practice are much more than answering Frankl’s challenge to change ourselves. It is the key to getting through this time of sorrow when so many things are outside of our control.
I’m going to leave you with one more angle to thing about. Pay attention tomorrow to the una tanah tokef prayer. It is dramatic, as we admit we don’t know who will live or die in the coming year. And after a dramatic reading of all the ways we could die, when all seems lost, the words come in
וּתְשׁוּבָה וּתְפִלָּה וּצְדָקָה מַעֲבִירִין אֶת רֹעַ הַגְּזֵרָה.
Teshuvah, prayer and acts of charity transform the severity of the decree. This is the true gift of this season: Even when so much is out of our control, when we have good reasons to be anxious and filled with grief, we have the power to transform the severity of the decree.
When we apologize and repair a relationship, we are doing teshuva and lessen the severity of the decree, lessening the impact of all of those outside stressors that we can’t change.
Where would we be without friends and family and community? We are here to support each other. The more repair we invest in, the fewer the tiny resentments, the healthier the relationships. And that lessens the severity of the decree.
Being here together in prayer transforms the severity of the decree. Going to a shiva transforms the severity of the decree. Making life easier for someone in distress by doing tzedakah lessens the severity of the decree.
And when we can forgive ourselves, it lessens the severity of the decree.
Wishing you a sweet new year. May it be filled with connection, repair and the strength of friendships. In the words of Rabbi David Jaffe may there be sweet surprises in the year ahead.
Shana Tova and Shalom to everyone here and on zoom.
If I have done anything to hurt or upset you in the prior year, I’m not going to apologize. Well let me amend that I am not going to apologize right here and now. However, If have done that hurt or wronged you even in a small way, please come and let me know. Let’s have a conversation about it. I’ll do my best to make things right.
An apology is important, and should be done one on one or in small groups. I’ll talk more about the Jewish way to give an apology in a few minutes.
But first I want to name that we are coming together after a very hard year, which itself was after a number of hard years. Let’s all take a deep breath and let it out.
I wish there was a magic bullet I could give you where we can say new year new start, but unfortunately events on the world and national stage are beyond my control. They are beyond any of our control. Yes, we can and should make our voices heard, but the wars, the elections, the international community, are things we can’t control. And that is scary.
In his book Man’s Search For Meaning, Holocaust survivor and psychologist Viktor Frankl wrote “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” Did that last part surprise you? I did me when I was trying to look up the exact wording of his more famous quote, about being able to choose how we respond to a situation. This one goes deeper. Yes, in theory I can choose how I respond to a difficult situation, but to respond differently than my norm, I need to change myself.
I don’t believe in magic bullets, but there are some things in this world that are kind of magical. For example, a friend of mine is an orthopedic surgeon. He once explained to me that a bone is stronger than steel. Part of the reason why is that a bone can repair itself, where a steel girder will eventually wear out. If you go to Wikipedia, you’ll find a long list of bridge collapses due to metal fatigue. As long as our body’s ability to repair itself remains robust, a bone will remain strong.
And repair is what I am going to talk about tonight. Specifically repair of relationships.
What can we do to repair our relationships? My sister-in-law Paula sent me a great Instagram video from parenting expert and psychologist Dr. Becky, who defines repair as going back to a moment of disconnection, taking responsibility for your behavior, and acknowledging the impact it had on another. Moreover, she emphasizes that repair opens up conversations, whereas some types of apology can shut conversation down. I went and found the entire transcript of Dr Becky Kennedy’s Ted talk.
She gives examples of both a bad apology and a repair conversation. The bad apology from a parent to a child goes something like this: “I’m sorry that I yelled, but you should not have called the dinner I cooked for you disgusting. ” Dr. Becky explained that this type of apology reinforces the message that when we make a mistake, something bad results, and therefore it is all our fault, an attitude we can internalize and that persists into adulthood. I find this fascinating, and I know that many of us tend to blame ourselves when something goes wrong.
For a repair conversation, she suggests naming what happened, taking responsibility, and stating what you would do differently next time. For example, “I keep thinking about what happened the other night. I’m sorry I yelled. I’m sure it was scary, and it wasn’t your fault. I’m working on staying calm, even when I’m frustrated.”
When we repair a relationship, it heals the damage. It is like that self-repairing bone that is stronger than steel, and is robust enough to withstand future stress.
Parenting is so hard. It is so obvious when we screw up, and we beat ourselves up for it. It is less obvious in our other relationships, our relationship partners, our friends, the people we are just getting to know.
And stuff happens between people. Maybe they are mini ruptures, maybe they are blow ups. When we repair them, the bone remains strong. But at times like this, I may not have the capacity for to enter into a repair conversation. Or worse still, I might not notice or even care that I’ve done something that is a little or medium hurtful, because I can get wrapped up in my own pain.
The High Holidays offer us a great opportunity for a spiritual reboot. It is repair season, and we have the infrastructure to both help us notice where we’ve missed the mark, and to support us as we reach out to others. Again and again in our liturgy, we’ll see the message that our personal conduct matters, and that we have an opportunity to change.
Let me say that again, our personal conduct matters, and we have an opportunity to change.
For example, when we go through the al chet, or the long confessional prayers, we see very little about the mitzvot. We don’t say “for the sin I have committed against you by eating shrimp or the sin I have committed against you for working on shabbat.” We mention sins of speech, zeal for bad causes, stubbornness and envy – they are issues of personal conduct. As we notice things we’ve done, including small and medium ways that we’ve missed the mark and hurt someone, we have an opportunity to give a good apology, and repair.
Maimonides, the 12th century Rabbi, philosopher and physician, teaches us that there are four steps to giving an apology.
The first step is to verbally acknowledge what you did, and the pain it caused the other person. It is important to show that you really understand the impact your action had on them.
The second step is to express genuine contrition. If we put these first two steps together, it would sound something like this:
“I am so sorry that I didn’t return your call. I understand now how much this hurt you and made you feel that I don’t value you. You are a dear friend, and the last thing I would want to do is to make you feel less than.”
This statement is very specific, and I take full responsibility for my actions. There are no excuses, and no blaming the other person. Notice how it does not say “I’m sorry if you were hurt that I didn’t return your call.” The conditional is a bit of a hedge, and suggests that it is the listeners fault that they were hurt. And frankly, if they were not hurt, you wouldn’t need to apologize.
Remember, the reason we are apologizing is to repair a relationship. Not that it’s a competition, but Maimonides got there almost 1000 years before Dr. Becky.
Here are some other examples of showing that we really understand:
“When I raised my voice you went into freeze and felt paralyzed.”
“When I gave you that feedback publicly, you felt humiliated and ashamed.”
“When I didn’t reach out when you were sick, I let you down and wasn’t there for you when you really needed me.’
The third step is to make it right if you can. In other words, we look for a way to make restitution.
“I realize that by not returning your call, you didn’t have anyone to drive you to the doctor, and you had to take an uber. And then after the appointment, you didn’t have anyone to talk about your diagnosis. Can I buy you lunch to make it up to you? I’m here to listen, either now or over lunch.”
The fourth step is to resolve to do things differently next time. Yep, I had that reaction too. That is the hard part. Doing things differently means changing our behavior.
It sounds like this “I was busy and distracted but that is no excuse. Our friendship is very important to me. In the future, I will be sure to get back to you. If I can’t call back right away, I’ll send you a text asking if it is urgent, and letting you know when I can call you back if it isn’t.”
Changing oneself is never easy. We have another word for that this time of year. It is called teshuva. While sometimes we translate teshuva as repentance, its Hebrew root means to turn. We need to turn from the way we have been doing things into a new direction.
Our tradition teaches that we’ll never know that we have actually done teshuva, until we are in a similar situation again and act differently. Notice it says act differently, not perfectly.
Teshuva is not all or nothing. As much as I’d like to say “I’ll never do this again,” some habits are really engrained and may take a lifetime to change. [Gave example by walking forward, and to the side and then partially straightening out] Maybe this year we can only go from here to here. That’s ok, we’ll be back next year, and can work on going a bit farther.
Unfortunately, this year I had an opportunity to put these four steps into practice. I really hurt a friend, more badly than I’ve hurt anyone in years. I won’t go into the details, but I did something thoughtless, and it really hurt them.
I had no idea. I’m so glad that they told me, because otherwise they might have just drifted away, and I would never have known why. Some people may not have been bothered by what happened, but this person was, and in hindsight I could have realized that it might bother them. It was a painful conversation, especially because there was no obvious way to make it right. At one point they said to me “how could you think that was ok?” I didn’t have an answer. I just said, “I don’t know. I messed up. I was wrong and in future situations I’ll do better and be more considerate and thoughtful.”
And while we are working on rebuilding the friendship, self-forgiveness is harder for me.
The four steps of this apology practice are much more than answering Frankl’s challenge to change ourselves. It is the key to getting through this time of sorrow when so many things are outside of our control.
I’m going to leave you with one more angle to thing about. Pay attention tomorrow to the una tanah tokef prayer. It is dramatic, as we admit we don’t know who will live or die in the coming year. And after a dramatic reading of all the ways we could die, when all seems lost, the words come in
וּתְשׁוּבָה וּתְפִלָּה וּצְדָקָה מַעֲבִירִין אֶת רֹעַ הַגְּזֵרָה.
Teshuvah, prayer and acts of charity transform the severity of the decree. This is the true gift of this season: Even when so much is out of our control, when we have good reasons to be anxious and filled with grief, we have the power to transform the severity of the decree.
When we apologize and repair a relationship, we are doing teshuva and lessen the severity of the decree, lessening the impact of all of those outside stressors that we can’t change.
Where would we be without friends and family and community? We are here to support each other. The more repair we invest in, the fewer the tiny resentments, the healthier the relationships. And that lessens the severity of the decree.
Being here together in prayer transforms the severity of the decree. Going to a shiva transforms the severity of the decree. Making life easier for someone in distress by doing tzedakah lessens the severity of the decree.
And when we can forgive ourselves, it lessens the severity of the decree.
Wishing you a sweet new year. May it be filled with connection, repair and the strength of friendships. In the words of Rabbi David Jaffe may there be sweet surprises in the year ahead.
