Rethinking Shabbat: Gratitude
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Commentaries on Eshet Hayil and Tehillim used in Kabbalat Shabbat
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  1. Text: Eshet Hayil: Mishlei 31:10-31
Eshet Hayil is traditionally recited by married men at the Shabbat table before reciting Kiddush. It is found in the book of Mishlei (Proverbs) which is attributed to King Solomon.
משלי ל״א

(י) אֵֽשֶׁת־חַ֭יִל מִ֣י יִמְצָ֑א וְרָחֹ֖ק מִפְּנִינִ֣ים מִכְרָֽהּ׃ (יא) בָּ֣טַח בָּ֭הּ לֵ֣ב בַּעְלָ֑הּ וְ֝שָׁלָ֗ל לֹ֣א יֶחְסָֽר׃ (יב) גְּמָלַ֣תְהוּ ט֣וֹב וְלֹא־רָ֑ע כֹּ֝֗ל יְמֵ֣י חַיֶּֽיהָ׃ (יג) דָּ֭רְשָׁה צֶ֣מֶר וּפִשְׁתִּ֑ים וַ֝תַּ֗עַשׂ בְּחֵ֣פֶץ כַּפֶּֽיהָ׃ (יד) הָ֭יְתָה כׇּאֳנִיּ֣וֹת סוֹחֵ֑ר מִ֝מֶּרְחָ֗ק תָּבִ֥יא לַחְמָֽהּ׃ (טו) וַתָּ֤קׇם ׀ בְּע֬וֹד לַ֗יְלָה וַתִּתֵּ֣ן טֶ֣רֶף לְבֵיתָ֑הּ וְ֝חֹ֗ק לְנַעֲרֹתֶֽיהָ׃ (טז) זָמְמָ֣ה שָׂ֭דֶה וַתִּקָּחֵ֑הוּ מִפְּרִ֥י כַ֝פֶּ֗יהָ (נטע)[נָ֣טְעָה] כָּֽרֶם׃ (יז) חָֽגְרָ֣ה בְע֣וֹז מׇתְנֶ֑יהָ וַ֝תְּאַמֵּ֗ץ זְרוֹעֹתֶֽיהָ׃ (יח) טָ֭עֲמָה כִּי־ט֣וֹב סַחְרָ֑הּ לֹא־יִכְבֶּ֖ה (בליל)[בַלַּ֣יְלָה] נֵרָֽהּ׃ (יט) יָ֭דֶיהָ שִׁלְּחָ֣ה בַכִּישׁ֑וֹר וְ֝כַפֶּ֗יהָ תָּ֣מְכוּ פָֽלֶךְ׃ (כ) כַּ֭פָּהּ פָּֽרְשָׂ֣ה לֶעָנִ֑י וְ֝יָדֶ֗יהָ שִׁלְּחָ֥ה לָאֶבְיֽוֹן׃ (כא) לֹא־תִירָ֣א לְבֵיתָ֣הּ מִשָּׁ֑לֶג כִּ֥י כׇל־בֵּ֝יתָ֗הּ לָבֻ֥שׁ שָׁנִֽים׃ (כב) מַרְבַדִּ֥ים עָֽשְׂתָה־לָּ֑הּ שֵׁ֖שׁ וְאַרְגָּמָ֣ן לְבוּשָֽׁהּ׃ (כג) נוֹדָ֣ע בַּשְּׁעָרִ֣ים בַּעְלָ֑הּ בְּ֝שִׁבְתּ֗וֹ עִם־זִקְנֵי־אָֽרֶץ׃ (כד) סָדִ֣ין עָ֭שְׂתָה וַתִּמְכֹּ֑ר וַ֝חֲג֗וֹר נָתְנָ֥ה לַֽכְּנַעֲנִֽי׃ (כה) עֹז־וְהָדָ֥ר לְבוּשָׁ֑הּ וַ֝תִּשְׂחַ֗ק לְי֣וֹם אַחֲרֽוֹן׃ (כו) פִּ֭יהָ פָּתְחָ֣ה בְחׇכְמָ֑ה וְת֥וֹרַת חֶ֝֗סֶד עַל־לְשׁוֹנָֽהּ׃ (כז) צ֭וֹפִיָּה (הילכות)[הֲלִיכ֣וֹת] בֵּיתָ֑הּ וְלֶ֥חֶם עַ֝צְל֗וּת לֹ֣א תֹאכֵֽל׃ (כח) קָ֣מוּ בָ֭נֶיהָ וַֽיְאַשְּׁר֑וּהָ בַּ֝עְלָ֗הּ וַֽיְהַלְלָֽהּ׃ (כט) רַבּ֣וֹת בָּ֭נוֹת עָ֣שׂוּ חָ֑יִל וְ֝אַ֗תְּ עָלִ֥ית עַל־כֻּלָּֽנָה׃ (ל) שֶׁ֣קֶר הַ֭חֵן וְהֶ֣בֶל הַיֹּ֑פִי אִשָּׁ֥ה יִרְאַת־יְ֝הֹוָ֗ה הִ֣יא תִתְהַלָּֽל׃ (לא) תְּנוּ־לָ֭הּ מִפְּרִ֣י יָדֶ֑יהָ וִיהַלְל֖וּהָ בַשְּׁעָרִ֣ים מַֽעֲשֶֽׂיהָ׃

Proverbs 31

(10)א How precious is a woman of substance!Her worth is far beyond that of rubies.(11)ב Her husband puts his confidence in her,And lacks no good thing.(12)ג She is good to him, never bad,All the days of her life.(13)ד She looks for wool and flax,And sets her hand to them with a will.(14)ה She is like a merchant fleet,Bringing her food from afar.(15)ו She rises while it is still night,And supplies provisions for her household,The daily fare of her maids.(16)ז She sets her mind on an estate and acquires it;She plants a vineyard by her own labors.(17)ח She girds herself with strength,And performs her tasks with vigor. (18)ט She sees that her business thrives;Her lamp never goes out at night.(19)י She sets her hand to the distaff;Her fingers work the spindle.(20)כ She gives generously to the poor;Her hands are stretched out to the needy.(21)ל She is not worried for her household because of snow,For her whole household is dressed in crimson.(22)מ She makes covers for herself;Her clothing is linen and purple.(23)נ Her husband is prominent in the gates,As he sits among the elders of the land.(24)ס She makes cloth and sells it,And offers a girdle to the merchant.(25)ע She is clothed with strength and splendor;She looks to the future cheerfully.(26)פ Her mouth is full of wisdom,Her tongue with kindly teaching.(27)צ She oversees the activities of her householdAnd never eats the bread of idleness.(28)ק Her children declare her happy;Her husband praises her,(29)ר “Many women have done well,But you surpass them all.”(30)ש Grace is deceptive,Beauty is illusory;It is for her fear of GODThat a woman is to be praised.(31)ת Give her of the fruit of her hands, And let her works praise her in the gates.

Commentary: Deborah Rosenbloom
"Reciting Eshet Chayil is an important moment at my Shabbat dinner table; gathered with friends and family it feels personal and timeless, connecting me to women throughout the ages. The question “who can find a strong wife” is rhetorical; she is at the table. Eshet Chayil is the model of an active woman—she earns a living, buys property, invests her money, manages the home, stays strong and ensures that her family ‘will not fear from snow.’ The poem rebukes men for ascribing too much worth to beauty, which is fleeting and vain, and reminds them to acknowledge, praise and cherish their wives."
  1. Do you feel valued and appreciated? For what would you like to be acknowledged? How can you convey that to your partner, colleagues and friends?
  2. Is it ever difficult to receive a compliment? Do you say ‘thank you’ or ‘it was nothing’? How does your response affect the person giving the compliment? What is so frightening about accepting praise?
  3. What is your model of a strong and active woman? Has this model changed over time?
Commentary: Rabbi Andrea Steinberger
"In a traditional home, the husband sings Eshet Chayil [Woman of Valor] to his wife on Friday nights. She has most likely made an effort to beautify their home and has perhaps invited guests. At the table, in front of everyone, the husband praises his wife. It is a holy time for those who practice this custom. Others find the idea challenging because this definition of strength does not reflect their own family structures. The woman may not have cooked the Shabbat meal or she may be the breadwinner in the family. We also do not know if she herself feels strong and satisfied with her achievements or if she has a sense of pride in her identity and happiness as a person. Nor do we learn how the woman in the poem regards herself.
There is, however, another approach to reciting Eshet Chayil. Everyone at the table can sing together these words of praise about the strength of the female. Both adults and children can sing; those identifying as male, female, transgender, heterosexual, LGBTQ can all sing together; all can praise the strength within a woman. Such inclusive singing could also create a special Shabbat tradition in which everyone takes a moment to consider their various identities and checks in with her/himself about their sense of self-worth."
  • Rabbi Steinberger serves as a rabbi at the Hillel at the University of Wisconsin, Madison. She received her ordination from the Hebrew Union College-Jewish Institute of Religion and has recently joined JWI’s Clergy Task Force.
  • Conversations
  1. Briefly describe a strong woman in your life. What qualities does she possess that make her strong? What qualities would make you feel stronger?
  2. What is the division of household chores like in your house? Who does what Is it divided along gender lines or in some other way? Are you satisfied with the current division?
  3. Shabbat gives us permission to take time out, to take a step back from the pressures of daily life. Will you find support if your Shabbat reflections lead you to think about the need for change? If not, where will you turn for support?
Commentary: Rabbi Mychal Copeland
"You may be among those Jewish women whose family tradition is to sing Eshet Hayil [“Woman of Valor”] to you every erev Shabbat at the dinner table. Or perhaps you’ve never heard of the custom of reciting this poem, which honors wives and mothers.
The intention of this custom is noble but, at the same time, worthy of our own scrutiny. The Woman of Valor to whom many Jewish families compare their own wife or mother at the Shabbat table can be linked to a female figure in Proverbs chapter 8 called simply, “Wisdom.” Wisdom, the rabbis teach, is a being who provides a kind of blueprint for the universe. “Blessed are those who keep my ways,” she says. Her counterpart is pictured as an adulterous woman who lures men—especially with seductive words—into going astray at night.
The two figures are often juxtaposed so that women encountering the Book of Proverbs for the first time might feel as if they’ve been given a choice between being the good woman or the evil one. Likewise, men might feel their choice is limited to following after one or the other. Like Eve in the creation story and her evil counterpart, Lilith the demon, ‘woman’ in Proverbs is deemed an either/or creature rather than a complete and complex being. This either/or framework could communicate to Jewish men that they would marry one or the other. Although such a distinction may now feel antiquated, it can be argued that our society still functions with this false dichotomy in place. “The girl next door” is pitted against “the girl you don’t take home to mother.”
  • Rabbi Copeland is the executive director of InterfaithFamily/Bay Area. Previously she was rabbi and senior Jewish educator at Hillel of Stanford University. She received her ordination from the Reconstructionist Rabbinical College, and is a former member of the Clergy Task Force.
  • Conversations:
  1. Think back to a time you were called a name—perhaps “nice Jewish girl” or “easy.” How did that make you feel?
  2. Have you ever talked about a woman in a one-dimensional way? What did you really think of the woman about whom you were talking?
  3. How can the image of Eshet Chayil be reconfigured to bring women strength today?
  4. If your partner or family were to sing a song to you each week, what words would you want them to sing?
  5. What does it mean to be a complete and complex being? What does this complexity bring to a relationship?
    2. Text: Selections from Tehillim (Psalms) in Kabbalat Shabbat
תהילים צ״ה:ה׳

אֲשֶׁר־ל֣וֹ הַ֭יָּם וְה֣וּא עָשָׂ֑הוּ וְ֝יַבֶּ֗שֶׁת יָדָ֥יו יָצָֽרוּ׃

Psalms 95:5

The sea is God’s—the One who made it;and the land, fashioned by God’s hands.

תהילים צ״ו

יִֽרְעַ֥ם הַ֝יָּ֗ם וּמְלֹאֽוֹ׃ (יב) יַעֲלֹ֣ז שָׂ֭דַי וְכׇל־אֲשֶׁר־בּ֑וֹ...

Psalms 96

(11)...Let the sea and all within it thunder, (12) the fields and everything in them exult...

תהילים צ״ח:ח׳

נְהָר֥וֹת יִמְחֲאוּ־כָ֑ף יַ֝֗חַד הָרִ֥ים יְרַנֵּֽנוּ׃

Psalms 98:8

let the rivers clap their hands,the mountains sing joyously together

תהילים כ״ט

...וַיְשַׁבֵּ֥ר יְ֝הֹוָ֗ה אֶת־אַרְזֵ֥י הַלְּבָנֽוֹן׃ (ו) וַיַּרְקִידֵ֥ם כְּמוֹ־עֵ֑גֶל לְבָנ֥וֹן...

Psalms 29

(4)...GOD shatters the cedars of Lebanon—(6)making Lebanon skip like a calf...

Commentary: Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel, God in Search of Man
“Gratitude happens when some kindness exceeds expectations, when it is undeserved. Gratitude is a sort of laughter of the heart that comes about after some surprising kindness. …A debt of gratitude is repaid forward, to another person who also doesn’t deserve it,” writes columnist David Brooks in a recent essay. On the whole, he describes kindnesses bestowed on us by people we don’t know too well. What happens, however, when we extend his idea in other directions? At the beginning of kabbalat shabbat, for instance, if we happen to find ourselves singing with all our hearts the six psalms corresponding to the six days of creation, a feeling of gratitude for acts of divine kindness, exceeding all expectations, may well up in us. These psalms, after all, were chosen by medieval Jewish mystics to remind us of the surprising kindnesses tucked into the created world. Likewise, when we personally experience a natural wonder created without human collaboration, we may feel small and undeserving of so much raw beauty and grandeur.
But how well does this notion map onto an intimate relationship? In a healthy one, partners do not need to feel as if they have to earn a kindness. True, some of our intimates’ kind deeds may exceed our expectations or surprise us. But feeling as if a kindness is undeserved? Never."
  • Conversations
  1. Can you describe a recent kindness that you showed or were shown within an intimate relationship?
  2. Like the psalmist, can you think of something surprising in the natural world that exceeds human expectations, that brings about a “laughter of the heart”?
  3. In your opinion, is there anything in an intimate relationship that must be earned?
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